Back with the living

Processing Hiroshima is too much for words. All I know is that the term 'Emotional tourist' can be applied. Just such madness, and for all the resilience and re-building, I couldn't sweep the truth of the past away, and felt like I was walking on the crunching bones of the dead. It made me sicksicksick and that made me even angrier at myself, for what good is all that empathy, how is that going to change things? Humans are such crazy creatures, I just could not stop crying.



Beautiful but so sad, seeing her tiny cranes was monumental.





I have no answers, and just want to live in peace, like most other people.
After visiting the Peace Park and Memorial Museum I had to get away, so went to Miyajima Island, south from there. Let me say, this place was exactly the Japan of my dreams, with temples beyond my dreams and deer roaming the streets, and old old buildings. I got there in the afternoon, and the pilgrims were all leaving, there must have been some festival at one of the temples, as there were thousands of kimono clad ladies, and robed gentlemen. It was a great time to arrive, as it became deserted over the course of the evening. Once again I got energy I didn't know I had, and I climbed mountains, always seeing another temple in the distance. It had gotten quite dark and I just wanted to stay forever, kicking myself for having booked a place in Hiroshima, where I dreaded returning.

Most wonderful moment
There was a 5 storied orange pagoda near the water, next to a huge dark wooded temple, on a hill. I climbed up there and was the only one, except for deer. There was just enough light to see by, and views over the water and to the rear, mountains, with lit temples, so grand. I realised I was completely alone, so took off my coat (it was freezing), and started doing some yoga under the 5-story pagoda. My movements were so necessary and as I warmed up and my muscles started relaxing I found I was moving with a grace and ability I had never encountered. I have become stronger from all the walking, and there I was dancing and reflecting back the beauty and agony that I had encountered...it was magnificent. I started feeling hungry so had to stop and of course, right when I descended the mountain there was a fruit shop and I got an apple that was the best apple I have had in my life. There was hardly anyone about, and I just wandered the darkened streets imagining. It was so beautiful, everyone I encountered nodded or said hello, I found a coffee shop where the owner spoke good english, and I could express some of my worship...and buy a trinket.

To have had the contrast in the day of such pain and then pleasure, I felt I grew a centimeter.
Went to a great okonomaki restaurant where I had beer and sake and agedashi tofu with my pancake, delicious as usual. I find the locals stare and laugh in the beginning but then grow bored and leave you alone.
Spent the night in my ryokan, in a tiny smelly room but woke up refreshed and anxious to get the hell out of there. Went to the train station and asked for a ticket as far from there as possible (not in those words), I spent half the day on a train going west to Kanazawa where I was assured there were many Onsen, and not too crowded.
Amazing country, passing through giant mountains and I could see snow on the peaks. I found a hotel with a spa near the station and just collapsed in the hot baths for hours, washing clean and steaming myself to lobster colour, severe yum. Got up in the morning and did it some more. I asked at the front desk if I could be taken to the top floor just for a minute to see the town, and a fellow took me up and showed me the view from 4 windows. He was so sweet, and told me about a mysterious mountain shaped like a temple in the distance. I love the way the Japanese allude to the spiritual. When I said I would love to return, he said "I hope I will see you", it made my day.
Went to town, found a castle, a big garden and a sweet lady who spoke excellent english who told me about some of the mysteries. Walked my ass off for half the day before getting the train back to Tokes.
On the train near me were 4 bouffy aussie fellas, and I had to put my earplugs in to drown them out. I sat next to a businessman, who I asked when we would be passing Fuji-san. He got all excited, and every 5 minutes he would tell me how far it would be. The mountain was encased in stormy clouds, although the weather elsewhere had been super-fine, but I got to see it's vast base, and just know I will get back to see it somehow.
Arriving back in Tokes, I felt like a local, I knew where to go, I knew how to negotiate the throngs of suit-clad armies, and it felt good! I tell you, the people here suffer the idiocy of tourists constantly, it must be exasperating. There should be a virtual city course where you can train for the experience. For the first time people were smiling at me, like they knew that I knew, I can't explain, but it made my heart soar.
The kindness of strangers should be the title of my book, as without their kind ministrations or just a casual nod or grin, life would not be worth living. I really notice it, being alone so much of the time, if someone acknowledges me, it lifts me. The small children are terrified of me, and most of the animals hate me. It makes me realise how much we need others, we are pack animals at our core, and sharing the world is our cause.
So good to be back in Takadanobaba, the flat looked even more beautiful when I returned, and I felt privileged to have the experience.
I was scared before coming that what I saw would change me, or change the way I make my work. In fact I feel as though it has simply reinforced my path, and I feel even more secure in what I do, I know what my path is, and I can relish in making that and living up to my own expectations and beyond.
The fish love me, but I want to eat them
Kazanawa gardens