Existential psychic trauma

I have always been a voracious reader, but these days it has been a pleasurable obsessive escape. Alan Bennett downstairs, F.Scott Fitzgerald upstairs, Virginia Woolfe on the stairs.
I have a book pile in the loungeroom, teetering, begging for my eyes.
Just went to the library and got some more books out.
And on the weekend I was lent one.
Hm, going to do some heavy reading as soon as this show us up. Can't wait to get in there, I am ready for it.

Chorus of frogs

(Made Mole chicken for this on Sunday, urgh! Weird dish, not one I would try again.)
My neighbours have a pond, and a few weeks ago I saw tadpoles, well, they have hatched and now there is a symphony of sounds out the back. I am hoping they will feast on the cockroaches and spiders, (please!).
Just returned from a concert at Angel Place, wonderful music, very transporting. Tremendous Bach, so great; "Wo gehest du hin?" - Where are you going. Choral clarity, and purity. Such energy, it goes so quickly when you're enjoying it. I just get lost in it. Forget myself and become so involved in the music, it is very great.
Came home and barely saw a soul. It's exciting going out at night when you haven't been out at night for a while. I really noticed the trees, they look so otherworldly in the artificial lights, and the waxy bushes with their hush tones. I look up and see the Southern Cross, and feel happy and safe in it's formation.
Feel strong today, have taken my sustenance, and now the outcome is due.

Beach this morning

Sub-fucking-lime...these gentle waves and clarity in the water, aqueous humour. I took to launching myself from the side of the wave, underneath the great roll, again and again, delighting in the quaking whites above and the layers of lines and colour beneath, a shaft of light that rolls along the sand, a beam of beauty, crazy beautiful, and the greens going back into the distance, oh my, it is the most ebullient thing. I lasted an hour, and could die there from the heaven it provides.

Now to work, and do the right thing perhaps.

Lost in a moment

Dahlias on the table before me, hyacinths to the right of me. A cup of fresh hot lemon verbena tea to drink and the day splays itself out to me. Morning sun lights the wafts of smoke from my cigarette, there is a chill in the air for sure now. I feel like a still life, just existing, and wishing I could just float through, observing and making notes in a gentle book. My capacity for stillness has never been so strong, is it my autumn years making me feel this way?
This is all I want, I think.

The 'F' word

Went to Feminism conference today with Elvis and was reminded of the plague of troubles and issues facing women the world over. Haven't been to a conference regarding these issues in 20 years and realise how little has changed and how much there is to be done. Surrounded by a hall full of these strong and committed women, I felt their strength and my weakness and ineptitude. Going to have to stand up and not be nice anymore. But I really believe a lot lies in the hands of men, to take responsibility and also stand up against harassment or abusive behaviour. To assist in enabling a 50/50 policy that includes women in all areas.
I felt so moved and inspired in the morning session, revived in fact, my beliefs strengthened, and my desire to change the world re-awakened. But also feel this consternation about how to assist in making this happen...what can I do? Such a powerful reminder of suffering bullshit, and all the immorality of modern convenience.

Hawkesbury River

PJ's bream, freaking out, we tossed it back. Healthy spider's webs dot the grasses like tall ship's rigging, plenty to feast on.


Thanks to the great Polkinghorne family, PJ and I got to spend three whole days up at the Hawkesbury, lazing by the river, relaxing on the sunny verandah and walking along the mangroves, investigating the wondrous swamps. The hardest part was leaving. 3 days of relative silence, fires at night and just the sounds of the wind in the trees, the birds, the occasional motorboat, and at night the possums fighting. So beautiful and peaceful, such a place.
On the first evening there, I was doing some yoga on the porch and heard some strange baby crying, then laughing, coming from right next to me. I was alone in the house, and got so frightened, I just froze. It seemed to be coming from the old metal trunk I was next to. I reconciled myself to the fact that it was haunted, and so my suspicions of ghosts were true.
When PJ came back from fishing I told him what had happened, sounding like a crazy person, and of course he opened the trunk and found an electronic baby doll.
Gosh I was relieved.
We went for a walk on Sunday through a swamp that I had never crossed before. We came to a barge on the river, that we could board, and we sat in the sun and ate our picnic. It was divine.
The only troubling thing was the mosquitoes, I have never seen such voracious insects. Besides that, seeing the new developments occurring along the river, gradually encroaching on the land, every year a little more...