Fatty Boomsticks now in Yokohama

Some of the lovers

2011-10-24T06:42:00.001-07:00

Me and a woman who wore a stuffed turtle on her back

The wonderful Kate

Monsieur (pronounced 'mooshu') Mark

Hiro, in his kitchen at Kogenichu

Izumi preparing for her tea ceremony

Rai working his magic

The amazing Nishiko

Our spirit guide

The wonderful Hiharu

Shop that sells everything

2011-10-24T06:37:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdkgtO-yWqo

I wish I had a word to describe what went on

2011-10-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately there isn't one. Excruciating was used often, waste of time and money, let alone energy occurred often as well. I wish I'd taken photos of all the wonderful people I met there, and their projects that helped sustain me when things were dire.
Its over now, and I have a new lease of life back in summery Sydney. The cicadas are singing, the garden has grown. Takara has never been sweeter, nor the bed more comfy, or the fridge more cooling. I'm doing my washing and hanging it on the line, admiring the trees I planted, and just feel really sorry I couldn't have made more of the experience and tried to bridge the gap with the office at Shin-Minatomura.
I keep asking myself what I did wrong, not bring presents in the beginning? Not bow and scape more? I will never know, and have to try and not take things personally, as I could see that we were not the only ones being ignored and undermined at every stage.
What fuckers, to invite us all the way there and be so chronically mis-managed and so inept. There was no farewell, there was no goodbye. I had my last smoke and drink in the rain outside on their pathetic loading dock, thinking good riddance, I hope to never step foot into this place again, and thank god for that. Thank god it is over and we are back on home soil where we can communicate and reason, and are shown at least a modicum of respect for our activities.
I've abandoned anger, in fact it has abandoned me. I think I blew a fuse in my emotive hot-wiring on that last day there, and maybe I am cured of the fury at having so much time wasted and so much un-fulfillment. Life is not meant to be so hard and one should not have to suffer so much to realise a project and make an offering of practise.
I will miss the toilets that flush for you, the cosy little coffee shops, with low chairs, great atmos and terrible coffee...I will miss Japan's general hyper-silly obsession with cuteness and the most twee decoration I have seen in my life...so many juxtapositions and contrasts with every day life, I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND BUT WHICH NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.
I can only count my lucky stars that I have a home filled with love and some great memories of the wonderful artists I met with and worked with there.
YOU MADE THE SITUATION TOLERABLE
Izumi Murate; superstar extraordinaire...
Nishiko, you are amazing. http://www.nishiko55.com/
Kumiko, I love you and wish we could do nude photographs together, and thanks for letting me put my jeans near your work.
Guillermo Pfaff, for being you, and for making those great paintings in your folding space.
Rai Fujii, for your great work and music playing.
Aki Namba, you are SUCH A HONEY.
Hiro Masuda; for your great kitchen parties and fabulous cooking.
AND ALL THE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO CAME THROUGH AND LET ME SEE YOUR JOY, thank you x 1,000,000
Cannot fail to mention the amazing Bec Dean, who came to the table, and suffered me, and who I also had an amazing time having fun with. I love you and wish we had gotten nude together, as you know.

No title

2011-10-23T15:16:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7PyOgrDzXU

Relational aesthetics

2011-10-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

Sugoi! I hear the proclamations and am heartened, I suppose, but is it really great? I field the questions/comments and exclamations, repeating endless thanks and repeating wabi-sabi, mottainai, maki-e, tokonoma, suzuri-baki, tatami are all the words I utilise.
There are stacks of people coming through, when the shuttle bus comes, theres a sudden surge, but yesterday it was endless. So much going on in this space, so much noise and movements as the various artists continue their works.
I enjoy providing cultural content, truly, but what else of it? I feel like I am at an art fair, with my booth. Getting some work done whilst answering to the struggling English that unfortunately is so difficult to understand.
Mercy on me, under the glaring lights and airless room, I come apart every half hour or so.
I don't know what else to do other than work, I don't have the money to travel, and theres no internet at home, so I come here.

Shin Minatomura

2011-10-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

Staying in Dream Heights has embellished my dream life, each night of quiet I feel I can hear my dreams more clearly. Last night I was swimming in a large ocean pool, a jade green underwater, with blooms of golden seaweeds floating beautifully like a perfectly arranged garden. I could breathe underwater, and stay deep down. It was so very beautiful and wonderful.
Today is a warm day in Yokohama and a public holiday. Yesterday was some sort of giant sport's carnival up the road and today was band practice and it seemed like running games. The brass orchestra was tuning their instruments, but it sounded like they were playing a Steve Reich symphony, it was a wall of sound, perfectly arranged and monumental. There aren't many sounds that encourage me to remove my Ipod, but this was delicious.
The city was busy, but I got down to the pier easily for once, and felt a knowledge of where I was going...less than 2 more weeks of doing this. Phew, I am looking forward to being in the comfort of my home and environment again.
Have had some great times in Koganichu, a site of artist's studios and workshops. Last night Bec cooked san choy bow for Hiro's street stall down there, which was held in the market place. Following this we retired to his kitchen for boozing and meeting casual strangers. Hiro baked an impromptu banana and white chocolate pie which was devoured immediately after removing from the oven at 11pm. Now thats service! Unfortunately, when we got back to Totsuka the buses weren't running so we had to wait half an hour for a taxi along with fifty other inconvenienced citizens. Motherfucking buses. They charge twice the daily fare after 11pm, and then just cancel their services.
No-one to complain to except Bec, and the poor fellow in front of us in the queue who capitulated by putting on his headphones.
The traffic here is terrible, all the robotic looking compact cars, windows shut full of tidy occupants sitting endlessly in hour long jams, looking stupefied.
Saw a great performance the other night by a Homeless Theatre group, down at the Pier. It was great. Sensitive issues dealt with humanely and creatively, very moving and dark. The set was bare, except a large koi in a tank, which was emblematic of the men's movements and fragility. Afterwards someone asked me what I thought of the performance, finding it located in Japan, I said I thought it was very universal and completely comprehensible to me.

Yokohama surprises

2011-09-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Fingernail arts

Bec buying a drawing
I still get a surprise each time I look up and see I am in Japan again. I’m really here, and this is all going on, it is pretty exciting really.
The forest across the street is impressive, and dense, the sounds that emanate from there at night are strange and wondrous, and the air is always good. Really, to walk up the road next to the forest, it exhales the sweetest scents, and I just soak it up, that green air. The life that forages in there and the abundance of mosquitoes on entering is astounding. I saw a woman come rushing out with swarms of them following her! And then they came for me, but they really just have a cursory bite of and then leave, I taste wrong to them!
The weather is sublime, and I got fed Bec’s amazing cooking last night, replete with tastiness and excellence beyond gourmet standards.
Hm, all there is to do is get the work and install it! This seems the hardest of things.
We have been here six days and feel settled in, know our way around and can navigate the system. I can work from home in Dream Heights, part of Dream Land, Totsuka just 50 minutes from Yokohama. To be in Dream Heights seems like an uber celebration of Dream Island, and it all does seem like a dream, memories. If you have time to process them and then come back to this living world, it is a true gift I am so grateful for. The life we have lived that we can play back in our memories, through our compact brains, sort through the past and re-live some of those moments.
Although when I am in the living, I am trying to absorb the moments that I can relish later, the flash of a beautiful woman on the bus, in fact, everyone on the bus and their silent un-moving stance, its fascinating the stillness and sincere quietude that predominates on the buses out here…Oh, but that beautiful woman, so serene and delightful to watch, head down waiting for her stop, contemplating what extraordinary beauty I will never know.
The moments of looking around and seeing all that is going on at any given time, the mass reflectivity of it all and multi-levelled layers and dimensions. Space seems elastic, with more and more abundance and sights being packed into it, and I know it is Japan, that piling up and smushing more on, its not just fucking beautiful it is fucking ugly as well. There is so much to take in, I am inundated and somewhat exhausted when I go out into the real world. I can’t take it all in, much as I want to there is too much foreigness in this strange Switzerland-perfect Asiatic island lifestyle.
I have my fortune already in what I can make with my hands and their discards.

I get to witness

2011-08-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

My proclivities ( I so love that word), 'I like to sit here, go there, do this, eat there, have a drink here' etc. when I am on my own. I also register my weaknesses more, maybe as they are not being absorbed by familiar other people, so I am left to dwell on things. I really notice that if I don't listen to music on my headphones I get depressed. Music is the one thing that can bring me to ecstastic feelings of joy consistently.
I am really registering the difference between my last stay n Takadanobaba and here in Aoyama. The lack of contact with people and the entire novelty of my first month 2 years ago was detailed in this blog, almost on a daily basis. I needed to express myself and through the internet found that mode. Whereas here I am, with a number of people to talk to, and an abundance of projects to keep me busy, there is hardly any time for using this resource. I guess I am expressing myself outwardly and that is fulfilling enough, or exhausting.
I think some of the great things about residencies is coming into contact with people you wouldn't usually meet, and getting to observe yourself in a new way.
I've certainly experienced many excruciating times. I wanted to say moments, but moment is too short. There have been extensive periods of dismay, and full-fledged enduring to be lived through. I have had to dig really deep just to get myself up in the morning and face the day. Maybe it has been the heat and humidity, whose combination since I was a child have made me grumpy and discomforted. I have never sweated so much in my life as in the last 3 months. The salt stains on my clothing will attest to that. In a perverse way, I love to see these sweat marks, wearing a lot of black ensures their visibility and I'm astounded at the degree to which it reaches. Do I really hold that much salt in my body? I am shocked!
Quite honestly the highlights have been seeing performances. It has made me value culture even more, as art brings us together and provides us with not just entertainment, but a shared wonder and sensation. It may not be the same thing we are experiencing but it transcends common life and also provides an escape from the ordinary. I've seen some butoh and Noh theatre work and an enamoured with these art forms...having only experienced them second hand, so to say.
Currently I am working with one of the residents at Tokyo Wonder Site, after a dinner conversation where I explained my position on whaling he asked me to assist with a 10 minute piece he was directing.
I get to talk and get captured and swallowed by a giant bag of chips. It is pretty weird.
This is a work he did earlier, which I love; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UPfQELZ9VlY
And this is the monster that swallows me up; http://www.youtube.com/user/kingdomchi?blend=23&ob=5

Aomori Neputa Matsuri

2011-07-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

Aomori was the place, Neputa seems to mean a float, and Matsuri is festival. Just came back from an amazing time up in the North, where the apples grow and people are friendly. We stayed with a Theater group my friend Lina had met, inKizu-Kuri, the Yakokan theatre company. They welcomed us, fed us and supplied us with sake, we dressed and danced and helped pull the float. Two nights of mayhem, speeches and ceremonies. Absolutely fantastic, resting in the day, wandering the vast rice fields and taking the local hot springs, under the guidance of Do-gu, the stone spirit found in a swamp there from paleolithic era. Her name; Shakochan.
I can't describe the events, there was so much drumming and flute playing competitions, there were traditional floats and super pimped up ones, they all rotated and some even bounced like the American hotted up cars. It was a feast fro the eyes, and the beers flowed throughout, we were showered with sake, and then we danced with the spirits of the dead. It was heady and intoxicating in more than one way, it was exhausting and we were soaked with sweat afterwards, then fortified by a feast back at the studio. I've never seen anything like it.

Wakarimasen!

2011-07-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

No room for laps
私は理解しない
I don't understand!
So much eludes me, but I am trying. I think where I am really succeeding is at the sushi bars; I've discovered that there are 3 types of sushi you can order, the cheapest is 'bamboo', middle range is 'plum' and the most expensive is 'pine'. I love that. I have also fallen in love with shiso/ume nori, which is the shiso leaf with plum, yum. Cho oishi!
There has been mega activity in the studio and for that reason there hasn't been time to write. I have been researching maki-e, which is laquerware, and making my own versions. Had an open studio on Saturday where a bunch of my dancer friends came. That was great, we went out afterwards and went to the Aoyama Cemetery at night, whence dancing was done. It was a super night and the first where I felt wholeheartedly content. Watching them dance to the strains of Hori's music machine, under the reflected light of the clouds, lying on soft grass, I felt at peace with the world.
I have been so at odds with everything since being here, so moody and tetchy!
Stayed in a ryokan in Tsunashima last week, it had the lovliest old phone I have ever seen and a small rock garden in each room. I loved it. Wish I could stay in that sort of place always. Went to the onsen there, which was very different from others I'd visited, with a big garden and large tatami matted rooms surrounding it, where people lay around eating and drinking, relaxing and even doing karaoke in one of them, and dancing. I loved the vibe there, and took my time as it was a very very hot day outside. Let me tell you, my face cloths and hankies have been getting a good workout here, I carry one and am constantly mopping myself down. In fact there is a scarf in the freezer, packed with ice packs that is made to wrap around your neck for vicious days, it really works!
Maybe its the heat thats getting to me, and the officialdom of this place, there is so much expected of you, but it is so hard to get anything done, it seems like there are so many obstacles in the way. I suppose some of it may be my misunderstanding of procedures, and just simple things can take hours...urgh!
Tomorrow I am going up North with Lina to a festival there, in Aomori. Will be back on Sunday!
Me with Mr.Eyeball (Taiwanese artist) and fabulous cook/makeup artist/assistant

Clean living

2011-07-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

I don't think I have lived so clean, except for cigarettes, in more than twenty years. I am working in the studio every day, not drinking alcohol, or coffee, and just working. I even stopped watching reality shows on TV dome...
The other night I worked through the night, saw dawn break and then went to bed, hands paralysed from drawing so intensely, and today I got up at dawn and went out for some activity. I made the huge mistake of going on the subway at supreme rush hour, where I was squashed to the point of hysteria, I was watching the faces of people entering the carriage and the excruciating grimaces as the ones behind kept coming in. I've never experienced anything like it, and now know that is what the average commuter gets to experience most every day. Poor sausages.
I sat in a coffee shop (ok, one coffee), and watched the women behind the counter working. Folding and preparing the orders, always cheerfully greeting each customer, only one in thirty made some chit chat. Their boiled eggs appeared from nowhere, and the vast majority of people get iced drinks. I like the mornings, there is less frenzy and pushiness. But I would like to know where those boiled eggs came from, was there a little old lady downstairs sending them up, or is there a specific machine under the counter to cook them to perfection.
I was contemplating this whilst eating my little sandwich, with the crusts removed for me, and I wondered who had made this and when, and where. In the supermarkets there must be kitchens where all the food is prepared, but you just never see behind the doors. And all the riceballs I scoff, who makes them, and where? So many questions about the foods I am idly consuming.
I went to a garbage recycling facility today to view the processes. They tried to make us feel better about our consumption, saying that the total amount of garbage has decreased, yet I could see it everywhere. I was so dis-satisfied, wanting to get out of the bus and look and watch up close, but that was all off limits. I felt I was only being shown a tiny side of the whole process. The landfill areas were impressive and vast, but we couldn't enter them either. Early forests were being planted and you could see these immature trees struggling to grow and I just felt sorry for them, for all the pollutants they would need to combat and all the heat torture they would suffer. They look like Dr.Seuss plants at the early stage, all twisted and insecure.

Day by day

2011-07-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

Some art at a bar in Otsuka

I was so excited on Saturday night as I turned on the tv and the tour de france was in full swing, but with no commentary. No commercials, just the bikers and the views, what a rush! I sat drinking and lulled by the endless commitment, such achievement and skill. Unfortunately that was the only night I could receive the broadcast, every other evening the station is down. Sad.
On another note, I have been spending more time in the studio and feel like there is some evidence of my stay here, and when I'm working I am in the moment, concentrating, yet lost in the process. It feels otherworldly. When I go out of the studio and see people, I am a bit discombobulated, as if I had been on nitrous oxide, I just find it hard to warm to conversation again, my mind has been in such a focus.
I went out early morning the other day and noticed how friendly people were, acknowledging me, saying excuse me, and generally acting human and civil, aha, I realised, in the afternoons, everyone is tired and hot and over it, it's not me, it's the situation that is getting to everyone.
Went to the bath house last night and found that if I had a cool wash before hand then the baths were tolerable and I could luxuriate for much longer. There have been times when I've gotten so dizzy, I'd have to sit outside for a bit...I especially love sitting after the baths, and eating some chips and drinking a yogurt drink. I never want to shower the next day, as I don't want to wash off that special feeling. There is one bath that is filled with some sort of silky steamy milk, you can see swirls of it, and the steam wisping off of it quite mysteriously. I love that bath the most.

Some strange things

2011-07-02T19:35:00.001-07:00

And beauty everywhere.

Sweet ladies

2011-06-29T03:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I would do without my friends. Women have always stood by me all my life, since I was young I have had great women friends, older, younger, immaterial what age. I love them all and love being able to call them or see them and share my world and share theirs.
I think about us all and how we are going somewhere or getting things done, and how beautiful and unique each one of them are, and I feel blessed to be in the lives of so many amazing people.
Go girls!

Travelling solo

2011-06-29T03:05:00.000-07:00

I discovered that July 7 is a special bamboo day in Kamakura, and there are many festivities surrounding it, as the stars align that night...and children decorate the bamboo with homemade trinkets

Going it alone can be wearying, but also elating. The kindness of strangers plays a big part, as does my own sense of navigation and instinct. Listening to my body and being somewhat prepared for a myriad amount of adventures and new sensations. I went to Kamakura early on Monday morning, just an hour out of Tokyo, a mountainous area chock full of shrines and my favourite temple so far, the bamboo temple Hokokuji. That was the first stop I made, to wander in the garden there, drink a green tea and sit and contemplate the tall beauty of these plants. During my tea drinking a woman and her daughter struck up conversation with me, which is the right thing to do during tea, an enhancer for discourse. She recommended the temple at Hase, and I take on all recommendations.
I left there and ate my little lunch which I had made the night before, fortified, it began to rain, I had a plastic poncho I'd brought, cleverly, and I set out on my unknown adventure. I found a small route behind the temple, and began to follow it, it came to a forest at the base of a mountain, and as soon as I got there a Western man in his wet pyjamas was exiting, he said hi and I entered. It was magical, just beautiful, tall trees, cypress pines I think, and nobody else around, I went up the slippery path and climbed for about 1/2 an hour, getting hotter and hotter in my poncho. I couldn't decide if it was better to take it off and let the rain drench me from the outside, or leave it on and be drenched by my own sweat. I got to the top, and there was only fog, I knew it was a lookout, but I could see nothing. I sat and had a cigarette and contemplated my choices, no map, no water, no other people, oh well, just continue to the unknown. The path was now clearly unused, as so many spider webs were strung across it, I passed a dead mole, which alarmed me, and just when the going seemed to be getting easier I slipped and fell. Fortunately not too badly, just straining my wrist and getting the most intense clay mud all over me.
I finally made it down, and made my way into town, found a lovely lunch place then a bus to my accommodation for the night which was quite a way out of the town center. It was a hostel with shared dorms, but in traditional style. I got there and had a shower, and a drink then enquired about sunset lookout points, they all gestured towards the balcony, but I wanted more forest, so I climbed the mountain behind. I adore the swathes of deep green forest on top of these mountains, dense and tropical with bamboo feathering out of it, like some soft swaying beauty. I just wanted to contemplate it. There was no lookout, but I found a quiet looking car park and sat there, sheltered by a single car. Naturally a woman came out as soon as I got there and said something then got into her car. I gestured to the bamboo, and said beautiful and she must have been touched by pity 'cos she got back out of her car with some biscuits for me. I couldn't believe it, a perfect stranger. All day I hadn't spoken to anyone except the shopkeepers and staff at the guest house, and here was this stranger giving me biscuits. I was very touched.
I had bought some sushi for dinner, but the staff were making octopus balls and were sharing them around. It was a really nice place, and nobody spoke English, but I felt fine. I had shared a small oyster with one of the other women staying there and in the morning she forced me to take a cucumber and a tomato in return. There is a great deal of even-stevens here, I often go to pay for somebody else, and they always insist on paying their own way.
In the morning I went to Hase temple and was not disappointed, the hydrangeas were in full bloom and I found the most amazing caves around the back with buddha statues carved into them, all wet with moisture, and glistening. There was one section where you could buy small statues and deposit them in the cave. Bentenkustu It was very mysterious and I was bent over double as the caves were so low, but it was some experience. I have never sweated so much in my life as in the sun that day. I even bought tickets to a pretty bad museum just so I could enjoy the aircon! Kamakura is on the coast so I faced my fears and went down to the beach, and stood in the water, contemplating the betrayal of the sea. This same ocean which gives us so much, which we in turn pollute and abuse, had returned with a mighty killing. But it is the same ocean as my beloved Pacific in Sydney!
I walked around buying souvenirs and eating snacks till it got dark then got back on a train to Tokyo.
I was thinking of a book I had read before leaving Australia that Lisa had lent me, 'Naomi' by Jun'ichirō Tanizaki, which concerned visits to Kamakura. I loved visiting the same place albeit 90 years later, and thinking about it.
When I got back my backpack was soaked through with sweat, and absolutely everything had to be washed, but I felt replete and exhausted.

Hori's socks

2011-06-29T03:01:00.000-07:00

Hori, a great dancer whose flat we hung out in, in Tateishi does all sorts of beautiful works using clothing and materials. He has been collecting his socks for many years now, old ones that are beyond repair, and cuts them and overlocks the edges. He plans to make a futon cover with the end result. I thought they were the best use of old socks I'd ever seen. I believe he has a pair by comme des garcons, his favourite designer...

Tremendous week

2011-06-28T06:20:00.000-07:00

I have had a gorgeous week, the temperatures have reached 30 degrees, and the humidity is similar to Darwin or Singapore, just wet all the time. I went to 2 bath houses this week, got giddy at both, but felt so relaxed and soft afterwards, it is a heady addiction. I also spent the day with my girlfriends here, eating the most amazing and cheap sushi I have ever had in my life. I am afraid it has ruined me now, all other sushi just tastes like shit...dear me. We ate for a whole hour, constantly. It is about 45 minutes from here, a long trek but well worth it. Such a beautiful suburb, Tataishi, very old-fashioned and laid back. People were so friendly and warm, and we had such a great day, we just stayed and went to a park, had a rest, then went for a soak together before meeting up with a dancer I had met before and enjoying drinks in his tiny flat...what a great experience.

Lying on the grass in the park, stretching and singing with the girls, tummy stuffed with sushi, thats the good life. I came home late and felt so good, I climbed into bed after yet another shower and fell asleep immediately.
The other night I went to see Takusan, the hanging man, do a performance with a Noh artist. It was only 1 hour long, but felt very brief. It was a very moving performance, whence the Noh practitioner sang a story and moved very slowly and deliberately through the space. Takusan entered and the dynamic changed, his gaze is what I was watching, this intense gaze, sometimes on the rope on which he is going to hang and sometimes not. I think it is the deliberateness of that gaze that is so empassioned. He hung himself 3, maybe 4 times, and at the end, the lights go down while he is still hanging and I can't express how moving this image was. I couldn't speak afterwards, not till we went for a drink and I told Takusan how I felt and he said "for what purpose?". I found out that the Noh story being told had to do with suicide, which befits Takusan's work, and was a great marriage of concepts. So moving, so deep and intense, in this tiny theatre, air-con turned off, the heat washing over the audience gradually increasing...each movement creaking the floorboards, each audience member's shift in position amplified in the space.
All the old words I remember thinking last time I was here are echoing in my mind, discipline, devotion, duty...such a fascinating place filled with such amazing people trying to make their work but forced to work shit jobs, and largely unrecognised by popular culture. And here I find myself, thrust into the heart of it, meeting beautiful people who do their work and share in their community, it is so similar to what we have in Australia in our own alternative scene. A bunch of weirdoes and aliens who don't feel like they belong, at odds with mainstream society and struggling to get by.
Tonight I am going to a dance improvisation night put in Tsunashima, at Mika Kurosawa's studio. I am going to participate, and am glad the weather is a bit cooler today.

Greenery

2011-06-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

I can't do it justice...but that little boat made my heart sing
The Gods smiled on me yesterday. I went for lunch with a couple of artists from the Tokyo Wonder Site Yu and Tomoko, and afterwards expressed an interest in seeing the Prada building I could see from the window. We went down there and were just ambling around, taking in the very wealthy area, and came across a museum, the Nezu Museum. Somewhere in brain, a little light went off, and I said, I think I have to go in there.
Well aren't I glad I did. It was just the ticket to the glory of Japan that I had been waiting for, a huge gallery filled with blue and white porceleans, from 1640 on, all Japanese and amazing pieces. Upstairs was a magnificent gallery of laquerware, my current obsession. Fulfilling as that was, the best was yet to come, in the garden. I couldn't believe this was only ten minutes walk from TWS, and in such a built-up area, it was enormous, one could get lost in it, and it was like Kyoto, very perfect and you felt alone and there were little windy paths and so many vistas. I spent hours in there, inhaling the good air, and was totally at peace, totally refreshed and fully happy again.
This is what is a necessity.

Actually I drank the whole bottle

2011-06-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

Broken man, broken house and some rice plants at the shinto temple
It is the big city story, and I can remember when I lived in New York, how much it obliterated the individual, and how lonely you could feel in such a crowded place. All these hard workers here, everyone actually hates it, it is just a means to an end.
I went to Asakusa yesterday, a big temple there, and very touristy, which participated in wholeheartedly. I had sushi for lunch and wandered the streets, Behind the temple there is an amusement park, with big rides, and you can hear the screams of terrified kids going on the drop machine, from the temple. The temple is such a noisy place, I guess it is maximum level at this particular one, Sensoji it is called, where hundreds come each minute and throw their money from afar, and people are yelling and laughing and others are shaking these boxes, where their fortunes come out (like a toothpick holder). But it amazes me how the temples have been adapted to house as many people as possible, in and out, no sermons, just up the steps, ring the bell, throw the money and clap your hands- not in that order, but really, it is designed for such a huge population to just get in and out as soon as possible.
I saw a disturbing sight at the shinto shrine, which I find compellingly ironic, a snow monkey performing for an audience. I couldn't believe they were allowed to do this on site, but there they were, clapping and laughing at the monkey. I took a photo, thinking, 'fucking monsters', how disgusting and immoral.
Oh well. But for the first time since coming here, I really felt like taking photos again, and just meandered through old alleyways, discovering all sorts of treasures, and seeing how life really is.
This is how many plates I ate at lunch.

Now I'm having a glass of wine

2011-06-17T02:59:00.000-07:00

Australian wine, as I have worked hard all day, and it is time to unwind (I like that word), and hopefully get some sleep. I don't know if I should write everything on my mind, or censor some of it. Should I speak the truth? What is the point of publishing if it isn't honest? I love to read things people write, when it is from the heart, even if I disagree with it...and I think, who, other than my close friends even reads this? Its no massive revelation, don't get excited, its just my feelings.
Yesterday when I was on the train, no-one would sit next to me. The train was pretty crowded, and I saw many folk eye the space next to me, but obviously I was overlapping that bit too much and they didn't want to have that contact. It sure was upsetting, I was smooshing myself as small as possible in anticipation but nobody came through.
On the way home, a fellow did sit next to me, and I was so glad, I nearly smiled at him. It is strange being a stranger here, most people ignore me, but when a stranger does smile or acknowledge me, my heart zooms out to them with such gratitude.
But why are people scared of me? Because I am fat? Or white, or foreign, or a woman? Or something else? I make great attempts at hygiene, so I know I don't smell! I know I look very different from the majority of people here, and I think maybe they are afraid of me, perhaps.
I remember last time I was here, feeling the same way at first, but by my 3rd month, suddenly strangers in my neighbourhood seemed to see me, and I wasn't so invisible, in fact, some even made contact. I hate to think it was because I had lost weight, and was perhaps more attractive, or less repulsive. These are things that are on my mind, and I know I am not being paranoid.
Last night I was watching a doco on Kurosawa, the film maker, and he spoke about he sacrifices individuals were expected to make, on behalf of the common good. Maybe being fat demonstrates a greed, a voracious appetite that is selfish...I mean, I do eat more than many people, and choose the wrong foods, and eat for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with hunger.
But when I was coming home last night I still felt my life force surging through me, and I am feeling fitter than I have all year, since my operation, and I was walking tall, with confidence, striding and overtaking most people, and I just have to keep that image of myself in my head, and not collapse into a calorie sucking machine.
That said, last week I stumbled upon a small tent city and I took some photos, as theplaces were so well kept, and so small, and so interesting.
I feel that there is something wrong with me, taking photos of homeless people's dwellings, but I am also so drawn to makeshift shelters.

Nothing I attempt is easy

2011-06-17T02:21:00.000-07:00

Thats how it seems to me, after 2 days of trying to print things and continually fucking up, making copies and new folders and just having the stupid apple logo laughing at me, as I fill my desktop space and hard drive with new copies...I try to use the help menu, and wah wah wah...
Fortunately the studio is a safe haven from these things, and I have felt good being in there, going in after hours, when everyone is gone and I turn up the music and get lost in the process. I suppose that is easy. After the year of defaulting on art work I feel an intense desire to make work again, and just produce.
This week I began my 'clean-up', beginning in an alley-way down the road, that is quiet. No-one goes down there and I gathered my materials and set them up in 5 minutes, that was easy. I don't know what the home owner across the way thought of it. I do know that someone looks after the alley, as when I first stumbled across it all these weeds were growing, but when I went to do my install, they had been carefully plucked, and neatly stacked. I found an old water damaged notebook, just the same as the ones I use, with weeds growing on it, and when I picked it up, all these slater beetles went scurrying. Even in a city as crowded as Tokyo there are insects filling the niches. Thats what I like about this project, it makes me examine the minutae of detail, and find previously un-observed delights.
I also had the fortune to visit Takusan, the Hanging Man. He did his action, in total hanging himself five times. There was a big toad in the garden which started moving when he entered, and a cat came and sat while he performed. A cricket began singing and the rain began falling. It was magic.
We then had dinner, and drinks, sitting in his tiny house around the table. I was blown away by what he spoke of, everything from physics to an ageing goddess, whose concepts he was going to be examining in his next works.

Domo...means sorry, please, thank you...

2011-06-12T08:03:00.000-07:00

In all my life I have never seen ivy in flower

Many words have more than one meaning. Kaki, which means oyster, also means persimmon, for instance. And the word for yes, 'hai', can be said in many ways so that it can actually mean no. Just an aside.
I am into my second week and here and have walked a few more miles, drunk a lot more beer, and consumed my body weight in miso, rice and all sorts of deliciousness. I am doing yoga every day, and dealing with the air-conditioned 'luxury' by getting to a park (or at least near a tree), each day. I found behind the complex a wasteland of sorts, with a pond and many birds and butterflies. The scent of un-concreted land is phenomenal. I go and inhale deeply.
Lina took me one day to Jiyugaoka, a suburb where the pace is slower and there was a nice temple, Kuhonbutsu. No-one was around so we climbed over the fence and sat by a great tree that must be at least a thousand years old, it was heaven. I could feel the ground beneath me and the swarms of mosquitoes were most glad. But I thrive upon those refreshments, to counter the solidity and unending streets in this area. I have been craving vegetables so much and I feel like when I eat them I am replenishing more than just my appetite, its like I am putting the land back into my body. Fortunately on the weekends out the front of our building are these great organic markets, and I shop there. I have seen and tasted all sorts of new vegetables and fruits I have never had. The stall-holders are very keen and proffer samples readily. Ice cold cucumbers, no e-coli In fact that seems to be the case in the department stores as well, today I was meeting someone, and had an hour to wait. I was a bit hungry and wandered into the food court thinking i would buy a rice ball, but there were so many samples I basically snacked on a variety of nice things, and saved some cash!
I keep seeing re-cycling systems in place wherever I go, and wonderful things being made from rubbish, I feel what I am doing is virtually redundant here, but am still driven to make some objects and see how they survive on the streets.

Mushimushi

2011-06-07T08:24:00.000-07:00

Hello sweethearts, I am on the other side and trying to find my feet. I think they are in my mouth and I don't know how to get them out except by writing hastily...
First things first, I arrived last week and was picked up at the airport and whisked into Tokyo where the first stop was an intimate tofu restaurant where resplendent dishes were presented to me in so many courses it was impossible to count.
All I can remember was deliciousness.
Following that were a few days of daze.
Last night I had the great pleasure of being escorted to the local bath house where I stripped and soaked with dozens of fine women in the most beautiful steaming baths, and was replenished beyond my wildest dreams.
Further than that the story shall unfold...but only gradually as right now there are no answers, only hesitation as I take it all in. I can deliver only a few photographs of the experience.

NEW BLOG

2010-07-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

http://goffers.wordpress.com/

Human Noise

2010-06-08T23:16:00.000-07:00

Hanging Rock, Victoria; Ancient vulcano rock, eroded into super giant sculptures.
Yes, that is the right decision, to stop writing here. I have started a new blog and will post details of that soon enough. I feel good about ending this sequence of writing at this point, and can envelop myself in gum trees and the mystique of this very old land.

Front of Uncertainty

2010-05-25T04:58:00.000-07:00

Winter gulls by the pool.
I am uncertain whether to continue this blog or not, it has been petering out, and I think I would like to begin something else, under a new set of thematics. Everything I went through in Japan will always be with me, and I admit I still pore over the images and video that I shot over there, it still fulfills me. I just want to go back! The obsession continues. Something happened to me over there, something extremely deep and strong, and I have that in my heart.
I am full of gratitude for each experience, honestly. But I also need to appreciate the moments here and now.
So so so.

Too much excitement

2010-05-19T17:58:00.000-07:00

Can there actually be too much? I don't think so. But it is hurled from above, and taken very seriously by me. Inside I feel I am raging at a constant pace, and then I step out, and it is heightened, shooting me to the moon and stars.
This autumn, the cold weather and events I have been attending are all fuel for awesomeness, how can I explain? Just seizing time and strangling it, and throwing caution to the wind and flying, whirling energy unstoppable, intense but measured, not out of control. I adore being 44, if this is ageing, give it to me!
Highlights were seeing this koto played for a talk given by Japanese living in Australia and making a work visiting Japanese graves around the country and dancing there, "Repose", focusing on kuyo, which is honouring the spirits of the dead...
The Biennale party on Cockatoo Island, a party of great dimensions, too brief, but of excellent proportions.
Daily activities where I nurture myself with yoga and soba noodles, pass time reading and conducting myself in a manner that I am proud of and then evening time where I cut loose and feel a wild untamedness, enjoying a diverse range of people places and actions. It is like Song 2, by BLUR, on repeat.

Sculptures by PJ

2010-05-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

Enshrined in ICAN, whittled wood by Peter Jackson.

Green things

2010-05-10T04:49:00.000-07:00

The pleasure I got from walking in this bush on Sunday isn't possible to describe. It fed me the greens I was needing and air without car fumes. It was a real up and down climb, past Fishpond and winding through Galston Gorge and further. It was a magic day weather wise with the sun lighting the trees and wondrous ways. Shallow creek beds and golden water moving into greens like dark jade. Bubble trails made by fish or turtles, and an incredible silence, such relief from the pounding of the city. I want to sleep in a room painted these colours.
Janice's father picked us up and we had a lovely meal with her parents and their fat cat, Katie, who hated me.

Red things

2010-05-10T04:41:00.001-07:00

Deborah, in her envelope at Amnesty International event forming a life saver on Bondi Beach, Saturday.
Red! It won't stop being important. It keeps poppong up, at parties, in drinks, in every way. Vale Emil Goh, that video of his was so cool, of him chasing after the colour red...whenever I see a postbox I think of him.

Sorry how pretentious

2010-05-07T07:38:00.000-07:00

I am a dag. I am just so interested in things and feel so hungry and curious for newness, new knowledge and insight, new lights to spark my greyed matter. The last couple of days have been electric surges, and so vivid. I feel like I am in Japan once more and there are these waves of beauty. You must just slow down and take time to see, appreciate, look and learn. I am grateful.

Ich komme gleich

2010-05-07T06:56:00.000-07:00

Wie wunderlich und unglaublich das Welt ist. Ich liebe so viel es macht mich verruckt.
Was kann ich tuen?

Instititute of Contemporary Art Newtown

2010-05-02T06:24:00.000-07:00

Last week was art heaven for me, installing my latest show at ICAN. It is called Fatty and Slender; The Hanging Man's house, with sculptures by PJ. It was a pleasure to get the keys, move in and re-create the scenario to the best of my abilities. I found wonderful synchronicity, and attention to details very pleasurable. I just wanted to make a gesture that might re-create some of my enthrallment and share the moment.

Thank you to those who came for the opening.

Existential psychic trauma

2010-04-21T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have always been a voracious reader, but these days it has been a pleasurable obsessive escape. Alan Bennett downstairs, F.Scott Fitzgerald upstairs, Virginia Woolfe on the stairs.
I have a book pile in the loungeroom, teetering, begging for my eyes.
Just went to the library and got some more books out.
And on the weekend I was lent one.
Hm, going to do some heavy reading as soon as this show us up. Can't wait to get in there, I am ready for it.

Chorus of frogs

2010-04-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

(Made Mole chicken for this on Sunday, urgh! Weird dish, not one I would try again.)
My neighbours have a pond, and a few weeks ago I saw tadpoles, well, they have hatched and now there is a symphony of sounds out the back. I am hoping they will feast on the cockroaches and spiders, (please!).
Just returned from a concert at Angel Place, wonderful music, very transporting. Tremendous Bach, so great; "Wo gehest du hin?" - Where are you going. Choral clarity, and purity. Such energy, it goes so quickly when you're enjoying it. I just get lost in it. Forget myself and become so involved in the music, it is very great.
Came home and barely saw a soul. It's exciting going out at night when you haven't been out at night for a while. I really noticed the trees, they look so otherworldly in the artificial lights, and the waxy bushes with their hush tones. I look up and see the Southern Cross, and feel happy and safe in it's formation.
Feel strong today, have taken my sustenance, and now the outcome is due.

Beach this morning

2010-04-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

Sub-fucking-lime...these gentle waves and clarity in the water, aqueous humour. I took to launching myself from the side of the wave, underneath the great roll, again and again, delighting in the quaking whites above and the layers of lines and colour beneath, a shaft of light that rolls along the sand, a beam of beauty, crazy beautiful, and the greens going back into the distance, oh my, it is the most ebullient thing. I lasted an hour, and could die there from the heaven it provides.

Now to work, and do the right thing perhaps.

Lost in a moment

2010-04-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

Dahlias on the table before me, hyacinths to the right of me. A cup of fresh hot lemon verbena tea to drink and the day splays itself out to me. Morning sun lights the wafts of smoke from my cigarette, there is a chill in the air for sure now. I feel like a still life, just existing, and wishing I could just float through, observing and making notes in a gentle book. My capacity for stillness has never been so strong, is it my autumn years making me feel this way?
This is all I want, I think.

The 'F' word

2010-04-11T01:45:00.000-07:00

Went to Feminism conference today with Elvis and was reminded of the plague of troubles and issues facing women the world over. Haven't been to a conference regarding these issues in 20 years and realise how little has changed and how much there is to be done. Surrounded by a hall full of these strong and committed women, I felt their strength and my weakness and ineptitude. Going to have to stand up and not be nice anymore. But I really believe a lot lies in the hands of men, to take responsibility and also stand up against harassment or abusive behaviour. To assist in enabling a 50/50 policy that includes women in all areas.
I felt so moved and inspired in the morning session, revived in fact, my beliefs strengthened, and my desire to change the world re-awakened. But also feel this consternation about how to assist in making this happen...what can I do? Such a powerful reminder of suffering bullshit, and all the immorality of modern convenience.

Hawkesbury River

2010-04-05T05:14:00.000-07:00

PJ's bream, freaking out, we tossed it back. Healthy spider's webs dot the grasses like tall ship's rigging, plenty to feast on.

Thanks to the great Polkinghorne family, PJ and I got to spend three whole days up at the Hawkesbury, lazing by the river, relaxing on the sunny verandah and walking along the mangroves, investigating the wondrous swamps. The hardest part was leaving. 3 days of relative silence, fires at night and just the sounds of the wind in the trees, the birds, the occasional motorboat, and at night the possums fighting. So beautiful and peaceful, such a place.
On the first evening there, I was doing some yoga on the porch and heard some strange baby crying, then laughing, coming from right next to me. I was alone in the house, and got so frightened, I just froze. It seemed to be coming from the old metal trunk I was next to. I reconciled myself to the fact that it was haunted, and so my suspicions of ghosts were true.
When PJ came back from fishing I told him what had happened, sounding like a crazy person, and of course he opened the trunk and found an electronic baby doll.
Gosh I was relieved.
We went for a walk on Sunday through a swamp that I had never crossed before. We came to a barge on the river, that we could board, and we sat in the sun and ate our picnic. It was divine.
The only troubling thing was the mosquitoes, I have never seen such voracious insects. Besides that, seeing the new developments occurring along the river, gradually encroaching on the land, every year a little more...

Beauty #1234

2010-03-31T15:26:00.000-07:00

Had a beer on the platform while waiting for the train last night. It was twilight and a big moon skulked between clouds. For once I didn't have my headphones on, so I got to enjoy the evening sounds of crickets and frogs, the distant clatter of cutlery and the divine wind rustling the gum leaves. It was very special.
Every day I get to experience life after Japan, and I notice more things to take my time. I have always loved trees, but now I love them in a whole new way. I have always worshipped nature in general, whereas now, within the new context, I am devout about it.
Yesterday I went for a walk and found some beautiful blossoms I had never seen before, so I brought some home and am regarding them as priceless treasures. They are from an introduced tree in Pleasant Avenue that has a green trunk and major thorns all over the smooth bright green bark. They inspired me to make a new work.

Wondrous moon and Opera House sails, last night's concert was 'Ode to Liberty', an entirely abhorrent work which I endured because I was too polite to leave.

Land maggots

2010-03-29T22:43:00.001-07:00

Went to Canberra and experienced some awe-inspiring views of landscape at Lake George...vastly spacious and empty of obstruction, I cannot get over it, nor can I get enough of it, all I know is I must return and explore that area. Since I was there last a wind farm has been built, so it is even more surreal to look at. I have always passed through that area with a yearning desire to halt and devour, so to say, but now I know how necessary this is. It was very exciting and reminded me of why I live in Australia.
A week ago I heard the term 'land maggots' used regarding sheep...it amuses me, yet in a way it describes humans as well, being nurtured by the earth.
Directly on arriving in Canberra a large flock of cockatoos flew high above in a cluster, circling against the bluest skies, with a fringe of great grey gums to the side, and I was happy.

Wine flows

2010-03-25T07:34:00.000-07:00

In to my mouth, I swallow and speak all sorts of inanities. What shit I talk sometimes, excited to be listened to, crap just flows out of me. Sometimes a good idea is in there, and I love the responsiveness of others...don't we all want to see nodding and hear 'yes, I understand', exchanges of the heart and mind.
Tonight I was particularly bad, just watching it whizz by, hours of socialising then home and now it is late late and I cannot get to sleep. Wine working it's way through my systems...
Oh Blog-friend, you are a diary of sillies, capturing and publishing these renderings. Little soap box of attention, reaching out amongst the millions of others, who might be reading my words and seeing the pictures in their own minds.
I love that words create pictures for the reader, forming whole dioramas, based on your own experience and knowledge. Maybe we have already made up our minds about a certain someone, and read their work with a quaking feeling of sickly interest, for example, or in a judgemental way. Who doesn't judge? I know I am doing it a lot of the time, but would hate to be judged by me...I was told the funniest things are sometimes the most truthful. But I hesitate in using this as a confessional.
I like to scroll through blogs, just hitting 'next blog' after surveying what the www has to offer.

That said, I had a power day today with some enjoyable workings in the studio and the flow began well and proper. Unfortunately tomorrow I am minding the show at Chrissie Cotter and am then going to Canberra for 3 days, so reserve a place for me at the art table for next week as visions are requiring reality.

Concert

2010-03-23T15:30:00.000-07:00

Last night's Chamber Orchestra concert threw up a few surprises, but the end work was all I was there for...I got a ticket as it advertised an oboe concert, but by Vaughan Williams, and it wasn't much chop. But the end piece was JS Bach, with oboe and it was so moving and wondrous, I could just take it in my heart and soar all night. The timbre, the timber, the hollow voice of that instrument, it does something for me deep inside, and is like a lozenge for my soul. I take it in and it soothes my being, I can't get enough. All other instruments pale in comparison.
That said, when I got to the train station, the sounds of the approaching trains were reminiscent of some of the stringed instruments I had been listening to. Classical music enhancing contemporary life, and what is more, being reflected in this time.
I love oboe works by Bach, Marcello, Albinoni, Handel, Britten, Schubert, Vivaldi, Haydn, Strauss, Pasculli, Schumann, Telemann, Mozart and finally Morricone...I want to hear them all simultaneously.

Gadigal land

2010-03-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

A small group of us went over to the North Shore to take up the walk where we had left off. It was a very warm day, and even 3 Liters of water wasn't enough for a thirsty girl like me. We made it to Hornsby, 21 km! Up and down the whole way, it was amazingly beautiful at some points. I love to see the landscape change as I go along. There were some enormous trees, and some untouched feel, but the next stage should be even more special. At one point I lay on the track and five parrots danced above me, just for me alone, under the blue gums. A leech found me, and some kind strangers both found the leech and gave me a bottle of water.
Hornsby was in full swing when we got there, with a multicultural festival going on. It was fantastic, I had some Korean food, and some satay chicken while watching Highland dancing and then some Macedonian folk.

Generation One

2010-03-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

Fantastic dancers.
Smoking ceremony outside the venue, so great to smell the smoke.
Last week we were invited to the launch of a campaign for Indigenous employment. It was a fancy affair, and a great night of Indigenous entertainment and people. I hope it wasn't just tokenistic, because until the Aboriginal flag flies fulltime on the Harbour Bridge, I feel whatever is said and done is just lip service.

Darlings

2010-03-19T23:35:00.000-07:00

Saturday at Curl Curl Beach with Zoe and Patrick. How cute are they? I adore having them back in Australia, to play with me.

Cakes!

2010-03-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

Over the last little while cakes have been calling out with their colours, shapes and forms.

Hidden

2010-03-17T16:12:00.000-07:00

Out at Rookwood Cemetery last night for the opening of Hidden, artworks installed in the grounds. It was an excellent evening, fabulous work and great music. I so loved being out of a gallery situation, and in a setting which is usually associated with memorials of the dead. I spoke with MB earlier and we decided to do a day trip there where we could celebrate life with wine and cheese, followed by a watercolour draw off. I can't wait.
Jamie North's piece was really perfect for the setting, and gave me a lot of love. There were many good pieces, but this was the only one I took a photograph of. I love you JN, very special.

Another day at the beach

2010-03-15T00:11:00.000-07:00

Bondi this afternoon,and snorkeling what is more. I tell you, there were many fish there, big garfish and hundreds of others, around the rocks. It was an awesome day, and had gotten quite warm, but the water was delicious and sparkling. What I love about snorkeling is it drowns out the sounds of the above-world and I can luxuriate in that white noise forever. I hate getting out of the water, back to sound, weight and civilisation of our own making.
The schools of fish moving in tandem with their kin, sometimes flitting along the bottom, fighting the currents or just trying to stay on the same area. I am fascinated with watching them construct their behaviour. So different, so many variations.
Lying on the sand with JP, soft brilliant heated granules all around, my fingers so tantalised by the texture and wonder of it's pulverisation, the millions of creatures that live in that medium, silently and dutifully carrying out their business...I could stay there forever, carrying out my business. The sun heating and drying my skin, the sleepy feeling after too much swimming, heaven.

57,90,157

2010-03-12T22:44:00.001-08:00

One new message

2010-03-12T22:05:00.000-08:00

Three exhibition openings this week, all good. Three nights of boozing and socialising, not bad. But it does make the week seem much shorter, and as the days are getting shorter, I am worrying about time. I also worry about all the promises I make to people; 'we must have dinner soon', 'I must have you over...'. The sentiment is there, but it is the follow through that I need to do. This is my year of trying to keep to my word, and actually do what I say I am going to do. I don't want to use words to just fill spaces, and time. If I waste my breath saying bullshit, then I have wasted it. I really desire being answerable to myself, and being as true to my word as I admire in others.
Read my first Banana Yoshimoto book this week, Hardboiled and Hard Luck, I really liked her writing, so thanks Eve. Will delve further.

Out West

2010-03-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

Drove to Penrith today, on the freeway, with AL. I haven't been out West in many months, especially speeding along a freeway, with all that space around, and gum trees galore. Couldn't believe the vast open land, and flocks of cockatoos. Went to Penrith Regional Gallery and saw a great show, but kept coming back to the gardens which Margot Lewers herself had initiated. Cucumbers proliferating! I was given one and can't wait to stick it in a salad. I have been loving cucumbers lately, I eat them every day, and consider them an evolved and refined vegetable.
When I got back to town, I noticed how narrow the streets felt and how little pavement there is. Lately as a pedestrian I have felt at such a disadvantage, the cars have all the roads and we have these meagre sidewalks littered with bins and poles and other crap that serves as a disincentive for strollers. Aussies just put up with it, or move away if it irks them too much. A shame.
Should I devote my life to fighting Council, and lobbying for better public transport? Or should I just ignore it and make the most of this city and just get away often enough for it not to bother me so much? Moan!
Saw

Cycling in Sydney

2010-03-07T22:55:00.000-08:00

I take my life in my own hands, no doubt, each time I make it home, I am shaking, having survived the obstacle course that risks life and limb. I think Tokyo would have been just as bad, but was too frightened to mount a bike there. Phew, I'm alive!
This weekend was a blast, Tiny Stadiums, a festival in Erskineville, was proffered on Saturday. I was given a player, which was co-ordinated with other audience members, and we danced the Dance of Death, which should really have been the Dance of Life, but why quibble? It was super fun maneuvering around the main street in tandem, doing particular moves and then resting with our faces in the cool green hedge. There was free tea, and cupcakes in the Town Hall where the best project on earth was on display. It was a cardboard rendition of the village with customised changes cleverly crafted, based on community feedback of what their dream village would entail. I hope the Town planners take note and do everything, because there were some really really good ideas. What a gas! There was a group of women singing their hearts out in a booth, and a judge in another booth, so strange and funny, as they blew air freshener and sandwiches down a tube for the judge's pleasure.
Later on that night we went to The Performance Space Clubhouse and listened to some very loud bands in a programme co-ordinated by the famous Lucas Abela...Auraltered 2. Naked on the Vague played last and it was well worth waiting for their terrific show, matched by the most horrific footage of Iraq's war torn land: like hell. So disturbing and moving, I was lost for words, just fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking hell. War is hell. All that effort put into building structures, all that effort in bombing them, and then all the mess that needs to be put back together or cleaned up...the futility...
Sunday we got up early and went to Addison Road markets, where we met with some good old friends to eat dumplings and roti and bacon and eggs (at least that's what I had!). Then I went to the Art Gallery for their season of free Japanese films to accompany the show Hymn to Beauty. I watched Shinoda's Sharaku, set in 18th Century Edo. It was really great to watch on a big screen, and I loved the kabuki scenes, and the sad story. It made me hungry for sushi, so when I got home I made some rice, cut up some tuna and made some nori rolls, with sashimi on the side. Miso with long mushrooms and tofu, and a cucumber salad. Fantastic. But I was depressed to see I have no appropriate dishes, and have to wait till December when I am back on Nippon soil to shop for what I want.

Smoking is addictive

2010-03-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

On Thursday I participated in Brian Fuata's "Wrong solo", a fortnight of performances based on one day workshops with invited artists. We spent the day talking and smoking, and devised a smoking performance where we literally sat and smoked. We'd discussed Andy Warhol's Screen Tests, and both loved the minimal content, so we lit the space and sat in front of an audience and did what we did. I had forgotten all about the nerves that relate to performance anxiety, and was rattled by the shakes, and the spotlights. I would have much preferred to perform to an empty room. Picture by John Douglas
I love the way light catches the smoke curls, and recall smoking in a dark room where the only light came through slats on the windows, and how that striated light would catch the whorls of my exhalations. A french film about smoking I'd seen many years ago spoke of the fact that many artists smoke because what we do is express our internal thoughts and feelings, and smoking gives a visual representation of the interior, temporarily exhaled and visible.
I thought maybe this will cure me of my addiction, as afterwards, the last thing I wanted was a cigarette...only time healed that thought, and I was back on the fags with a drink soon afterwards.
A sad week as I said goodbye to parents who returned to London. We had such a great visit, just wish they lived here full-time.

A week of heaven

2010-02-28T23:55:00.000-08:00

Elated morning, rising at 3 am for Spencer Tunick's nude shoot on the Opera House steps. Absolutely beautiful feeling and sight, surrounded by nudes, all 5,000 of us braving the coolest morning all year. But so divine, to be amongst so many latte colours, en masse, collaborating for the sake of a photograph. I am not in love with the final product, but it is the event and assemblage that I cherish. Everyone looks so beautiful in the nude, it is a momentous charge to experience such a mass of humans, unclothed.
I have just returned from Port Macquarie, where I stayed with the wondrous RP and LP, and my dear father, Ben. A week of beaches, goannas, dolphins and tranquility in koala territory, with dozens of activities planned day and night. Saw RP perform one evening, went to the premiere of a terrible play, swam and walked to various beaches, inhaled a lot of clean air and slept wonderfully each night. On Friday night, I danced under the moon, at Yanaka time, in tandem. Woke to the birds and found unlimited energy from the ants. I made it my mission to see dolphins, and as soon as I declared that, there they were.
This was a great rendition of a caravan (Harry's Point) at Shelley Beach. I got to sit there on 2 afternoons...sublime.
Couldn't believe the vast empty beaches, I went to a lookout and saw not a soul. Space and more space. Walked along the edge of a lagoon and watched the hundreds of fish scoot away. I could live like this. Falling asleep to the sound of the waves at Tacking Point, lulled by the rhythm and endlessness...pounding the shore. The intensity of the ocean up there was astounding. It tried to rip the flesh off my bones, but I was cautious and respectful. Being alone on beaches with this force surging in totally put things into perspective, be very careful.
One highlight was a rain forest walk at Sea Acres. We saw the strangler vine in action in all it's glory and were largely alone for the walk, other than goannas, birds and land mullet. It was such a treat to breathe the air and go slowly through such ancient spaces. Another highlight was in Wauchope, where RP took us to Timbertown, a colonial town set up in 1880's style. It sounds tacky but I was enchanted, all original buildings, situated in the bush, recreating a past that I only read about. I couldn't get enough, it fascinates me, the olden days. I was delighted to just stroll around and hardly encounter a living soul. I bought a nice painting of Lighthouse Beach for RP and LP (where they live), and spoke to everyone I met there. I hope the place keeps on running, as I am keen to go back.
I understand that life, and consider it seriously sometimes, but I think I would tire of the clean kitchen and self-satisfied contentment. Fighting off the ants in a white mansion that borders the rain forest is not what I am here for. But to spend quality time with Ben and the Polsons was priceless. I am extremely fortunate.

Travel over country

2010-02-19T13:53:00.000-08:00

Just back after a few days in sunny Adelaide. Yet another trip to South Australia where I see nothing but the airport and Henley Beach area. But am I complaining?
I arrived in the evening, laden with enormous lightweight luggage packed to the gunnels with plastics. VT picked me up and whisked me to her home, where before we had a cup of tea, the show was hung. Fast action. I was pretty happy with my decisions, and it felt nice to resolve the work in this way and see it realised.
Her 18 year old son, Harry played some awesome Hendrix, and sang a ballad he had written about the bush fires that I can only describe as wonderful and he should have it copyrighted.
In the morning we got up and headed straight to said beach where lolling in the gentleness was par for the course. Extreme beauty and relaxation. Breakfast at the kiosk on the beach was so delicious I kept feeling like Bo Derek on a good day, then back to the house/gallery where tedious labelling awaited me. Art can be so easy, it is the paperwork that is brain numbingly frustrating, but after hours I got it done. I realised why she was so keen to show these works, as she is a blue and white china lover, and I raided her cupboards for articles to place in a vitrine, in the space, as kind of reference materials. It looked good. Whilst raiding the cupboards I found a lovely blue and white sake bottle, and was holding it, and she said watch out,don't drop it, and it literally sprang from my hand and smashed on the floor. How typical! I still used the shards in the work, cataloguing the breakage as an act that intensifies the difference between china and plastics...but still feel terrible, have to find her a new one.
Had another swim in the afternoon, after completing the hard work, did some yoga in the backyard and just took it easy while waiting for the boys who were coming over to take me out for a quiet beer up the road. James Dodd's expert tatt. JD and his friend S came by and took me down the road to the Ramsgate, a beautiful old pub overlooking the jetty. We had dinner and sat outside and I watched the golden crescent moon descend in the sky. Feeling mellifluous after 3 beers, we parted ways and I went along the long jetty, it was dark and many fishers were throwing their crab pots into the water. So lovely, strolling in the warm wind, a bit drunk, and happy. I couldn't go straight home so I walked along the promenade for a while, passing only one person, a woman singing softly to herself on a bench.
The next day it was the same routine, early beach, breakfast then some chores. It was hot like an oven door opening and the afternoon saw more swimming. Divinely cleansed, VT took me back to the airport where I flew home.
But what I had wanted to write about was the plane journey; up in the air, on leaving Sydney I was glued to the window, as usual. Incredible beauty on such a grand scale, soaring at 36,000 feet, with the vastness of the country laid out for me. The glimmers of water in valleys and dams shining so bright, and the dark green rolling hills stretching as far as the eye can see. A few hundred miles later they start petering out, and becoming more brown and less densely forested. Occasionally a calligraphic swirl of a ridge on the flat plains, and then just land. Towards Adelaide, the hills rise up again, and the difference between cultivated land and that left untouched is so extreme, such a divide. So much more barren down here, so different. On the return journey, at night unfortunately, I got to enjoy the lack of lights on the country below. The captain announced that we would be flying over Canberra and I am craning to see what it looks like at night, but it was so small I thought it must be Goulburn or Yass, but they were even smaller.
PJ picked me up at the airport and it was lovely to get home and make some soba noodles and sit.

Here and now

2010-02-13T14:23:00.000-08:00

This week has had some ecstatic highlights. The foremost being snorkeling at Clovelly and seeing the giant groper. I had been in for quite a while and was getting cold and making my way out when there it was, in all it's gigantic glory, nosing about near the steps...I couldn't believe how beautiful and blue it was. There were hundreds of other fish there, many that recognised, and many more. Whole schools of garfish, swimming along the top surface, octopus along the bottom and countless others amongst the rocks and all around.
Last night I went to the first concert I have been to in years. I got a subscription to the chamber orchestra and was transported by flawless symphonies and arrangements. I just sat there and let the music wash me with it's pure pure crystal clear sound. I love Schubert, and they began with one of his. It is like a big drink of water when you are very thirsty. When the oboes started playing I rose even higher, and had to reach for my hanky, as tears started falling. I felt the music all over me, sometimes in my knees, sometimes elbows, back of neck, the spine of course, and other parts! It was delightful and when I left with sore hands from clapping,I walked taller and had a big grin on my face, because I know it's totally bourgeois and white collar, but classical music is something else wonderful. I went on my own, and felt delicious.
Today I am seeing my folks, and maybe we will be dining at the Thai restaurant up the road. It is still raining and everything is dripping, the fans are on and the skirts are flapping. Tropical life is so fecund, and sensual.

Joy

2010-02-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

After a week of torrential rain, on Tuesday the sun came out full blast. The plan was to take the ferry to Manly, walk to Shelley Beach and swim. The plan was followed and divine swimming all afternoon was indulged in. Fantastically safe and green, super special underwater delight. Me and ER went all day and then found ourselves on the corso having a beer at sunset then took a ferry back to Cafe Sydney for a mojito cocktail before coming home for vodka shots and finally sleep. Hello ecstasy! Such indulgence.
The night before I had a curry party, inviting friends over for supper. Everyone brought a curry, and we had ten different yummies to enjoy. Thank you darlings, it was sublime, and way easier than doing all that cooking alone.

Lots of rain

2010-02-06T03:59:00.000-08:00

The last few days. Lots of thunder, and huge downpours. The frogs, lizards, slugs and snails are very happy.
We went to Rookwood Cemetery today, to commemorate Mary and Emma, it was very peaceful and no-one was around. Good air. We walked through the old parts and I felt the earth beneath my feet, and enjoyed the flowers growing around and the outstanding orange lichens that grow on the sides of tombstones. It's the first time I have been to a cemetery since Yanaka, I realise, and I can't help contemplate my involvement with death.
In my very earliest photographic works, I used images of cemeteries and graveyards. I think of the tombstones and see them as the only portraits of so many people who once lived. I have always had been drawn to these places of contemplation, and general quiet, the sense of space and then the little buildings that are erected as memorials or places to sit, chapels and shady huts. I am fascinated with these places that are opposite to the living areas of the world.
Remembrance, it is the gift of having a memory to commemorate. If you have no involvement, you have no memories. When you see a tomb lovingly cared for, you can't help but think of those living who have taken this job on as a form of duty, ritual and respect. When you see someone tending to their relative's grave you imagine a scenario...my heart goes out to them.
I love the different areas at Rookwood, so many denominations and varying traditions. I think of what it would have been like when it was first instituted, and feel the ghosts of the long dead, and how bleak it would have been.
It makes me glad I am alive to witness.
And as the wonderful PJ pointed out, there must be a room full of some really big keys to open all those crypts...big ancient decorative keys...

The trains stop at midnight here as well

2010-02-03T14:42:00.000-08:00

This was something I did not know. Was in the 'city' last night and discovered that, for the first time...also the buses stop running! Hell, I could've walked home but it was pouring rain. Walked to Central, enjoying the emptiness, passing clubs full of really young people, and ended up getting a cab. Am I really this old and clueless about the way this town works? Obviously.
Worked at home yesterday and was actually engrossed, for once. Making headway, time passing fast. I totally deserved to go out and get trashed, eat Korean bbq, drink their version of shochu, called soju, then followed by a waste of money at IMAX, watching Avatar dross in 3-d. What crap. I feel like I am on another planet, when it comes to entertainment. I would've been happy hanging out on George Street watching the flurries of vomit.
A warm wind blows today and I am excited about getting more work done. Got the music pumped up, and all systems go. A bit of yoga, a quick bike ride and I am in!

I am

2010-02-01T16:30:00.000-08:00

I am enormously, obesely decadent...I cannot stop myself from enjoying myself, it is a giant obsession, self pleasuring...oh well, what can I do but go through this phase and accept it, and get on with it.
Going to the beach for the second time today, and it is not even mid-day. Did a couple of hours work yesterday and felt like that was enough, so went and watched the sunset up at Sydney Park. Outrageously beautiful skies.
This morning I got up really early and went to Bondi with my favourite denim clad mistress, JP. She got stung by a blue bottle while I frolicked in the liquid glass. Awesome. And now, the day too fine to be spent indoors, I made a call and am going off to enjoy round 2. It is necessary for my research.

Covers show at ICAN: Self portrait 2010

2010-01-31T04:16:00.000-08:00

My work, a watercolour of the label of Takara shochu bottle. Photographed and printed by CC.

Space

2010-01-30T04:50:00.000-08:00

Space and more vast and empty space. Went to Kurnell and there weren't any people there! I can't get over it. A few fishermen, a couple of strollers, but the park was deserted and delightful...I could sing, shout dance, chase cockatoos like a silly girl, lie on the grass, roll around with panties showing, no-one to see except the ghosts of the past. Such an extraordinary place, with the refinery chugging along in the sand dunes, and there is Captain Cook's landing spot. Since I went there last they'd built a platform and installed some information about the Aboriginal response. It wasn't bad.
Watched 'Samson and Delilah' last night, powerful film, tragic and good. I was fascinated by the hand movements that were employed to communicate. Gestures.
I feel so fortunate living here, fortunate to be alive in this era, with all this at my disposal. I went for a walk early this morning, before it got too hot, just strolling, listening to the birds and the early children awake and hammering in homes. Poor parents. It was so nice being out that early, rather than just hitting the computer first thing. Only a few dog-walkers at that hour, grudgingly giving their dogs the chance to roam and take a shit.
Going to finish Murakami's 'Kafka on the Shore' today, I am so enjoying it. I note that whenever I travel, I develop an interest in the place that lasts. The other day I was at the library and I read the New York Times, then the Guardian, then the Japan Times. It is a great aspect of travelling, having that connection with a place. I found a copy of the book on my shelf, un-read. I don't know how many books I have that I haven't read, but it's always a nice bonus, it's like a free library in your own home.
The biggest pine cone I have ever seen

Year of Biodiversity

2010-01-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

Heard about this today, and somehow it seemed timely. With the annihilation of various forms of life daily, I assume it is there to remind us of how vital it is to retain as many forms as possible. I haven't killed a single spider since coming back...there have been some giant ones inside and I just get a bit scared, then try not to look at them. Furry brown flowers I try to call them. The other day when it was so damned hot I came home and found all these dead cockroaches , big and small, the heat had killed them!
Yesterday I had tea with AK and she mentioned trying not to use videos in her work because of the responsibility to the environment. All the minerals that are mined to use for our precious machines and tools. But we live in this era of advanced, although neglectful technology. Do we ignore this and try to live as low impact as we can. Every single thing has impact, just living has impact...I love computers and telephones. I love electricity! My hope is in the microbes that develop as a result of our poisons, and their capacity to consume radioactive waste and by-products of our misdeeds. Humans need to live in collaboration with the natural world, it is a partnership, where everyone plays a role. Except for the illegal negligent toxic dumpers.
Watched "WALL-E" last night and was surprised at Disney's eco-stance, and what a terrific little film it was. In the end credits it listed the production babies and there were a few dozen, in the making of the film I assume all these children were born. It contextualised the film in an important way for me, as it is a notion of the future and the collective responsibility we all have.

Not in Tokyo

2010-01-26T01:52:00.000-08:00

.

Nat's pink champers over Petersham
Just here. It was Australia Day/Invasion Day yesterday, what can I say? Very little, going to do yoga, then have a nice drink. Devilish thoughts on my mind, and I wonder why I incite pernicketiness. Is that a word? Oh well, best to you all in whichever country you live in Naughty kids

Easy going

2010-01-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

I never fully appreciated, till now, the easy going nature of people here. "No worries", "she'll be right" and "no problems, mate!" are the constants. I like that a lot, being wired to rush but having learnt to ask 'do you mind if...?', to the affirmative. The laconic sauntering has real appeal on a hot summer day, you get a heat rash otherwise!
Not everyone is taking it easy, I have seen a few junkies who are definitely having a hard time, and there are many people in general who are speeding around, freaking out I am sure. Life here seems very casual, for the most part, in attire and in attitude. That said, I have still seen a fair bit of aggression and raised voices. Poor sausages.
I had lunch in Hyde Park today with my Dad, then we spent an hour watching the outdoor chess game in action. I loved the whole scenario, predominantly men sitting and standing, sometimes discussing moves and each internally playing, the pigeons walking on the board, the slow calculations that each watcher was performing. The players and their 'cool', sometimes lifting a piece, other times giving it a push with their feet. The game requiring no money, just time and knowledge of the rules. The little offshoots of players on the sidelines, keen enough to bring their own boards. The cliques of fellows who knew eachother from way back when, and those just dropping in and settling for a gander. So relaxed, and civilised. Ancient game.
Fellow at Circular Quay with collected feathers

Driving to the beach

2010-01-22T12:44:00.000-08:00

Late afternoon, and a storm was advancing. Carla and I were racing the clock, trying to get there before a downpour. Big grey turmoil in the sky, incredible clouds seething and energy shattering. Long lightning strikes out at sea, and the peals of thunder in the distance, exciting. The water was cold and beautiful, I swam, I could have swum 100 miles, it was so delicious after the hot day. Green underwater, sublime feeling of satisfaction, visually and physically.
I couldn't take my eyes off the sky when I came up for air, sun breaking through the gaping holes, attempting to reach land. Fascinating pictures formed by the clouds, I saw my Grandmother in the sky. But no rain, just warnings.
Got home at 8pm, time for dinner. We had bought falafel rolls, which weren't great, but I was hungry and ate it with thanks. Time to put on some music and sing softly.
I think I am in love with life.

Party starter

2010-01-21T14:29:00.000-08:00

All you can eat sushi at the Ivy, check.
Karaoke last night at Echo Point, check. Denim and lace, check. Substantial quantities of sake, check. Blistered vocal chords, check. Stomach muscles aching from laughing, check. Slaughtered songs (unmerciful): 30 hits in 3 hours.
We hit the mikes with a passion and enthusiasm that only the terribly worst singers in the world would do.
When I left I said to the staff, "very bad singers". They cracked up as they had been watching our substantial efforts on the screen with delight.
Oh, the humiliation! The fun!

Jane, Mayhem and I: butchers

Urban nature

2010-01-21T04:38:00.000-08:00

I saw this sign on a hoarding in Tokyo; "Urban nature". It struck me as a good title and I am still thinking about it. I return to the tropical greenery here and am awed. Maybe as I haven't gone bush since returning, I have found Sydney surprisingly satisfying in the nature stakes. My backyard beauty fills me with love every time I go out there and gaze, the vista of layered greens and textures. Filtered dappled light enthused with chlorophyll. I can't get enough of looking at that beauty.
The architecture of trees, their limbs forming a painting, perfect and natural. I admire the branches and where the twigs grow out at random places, but all in unison with eachother. The variegating shades of green. Why do I love the colour so much I keep wondering. Is it that it is the coolest colour on your eyes, if a shade cloth is green you immediately feel cooler. Is it perhaps that as omnivores we are hard wired to enjoy the presence of leaves, and relate it to fertility and therefore food. It is symbolic of ideas of farming and plenty.
In the city, the trees are controlled, their roots destroy buildings and the branches drop all over the place, but when you get further afield, the trees are bigger and more natives. I cherish the gum tree at the front of our house, it gives us shade and I can lie in bed watching the gum leaves flickering in the light. When I go to the park at night I see the electric lights make the silver in the leaves look like they are shot through with light, like molten silver glimmering and glistening.
The other day I did yoga in the park, head on the ground. It was awessomely better, with the trees all around, and the earth transmitting it's vital energy to my vitals. We formed a unison, and I swore I will do it outside more often.

You beaut country

2010-01-20T21:06:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I walked to Bronte beach. Such a wonderful day, very clear skies and a great breeze. I just needed to stretch out, put on some music and move. I nearly fell over, as I was gobsmacked by the colour of the sky, which the camera cannot capture whatsoever, it just made me gasp, it's velvet depth and magnitude. I stopped a few times for lunch and stretching, got lost and then found my way again. Had to ask an English tourist for directions!

Got to the beach and entered the water, the surf was so rough, the flags were 2 meters apart, and it was full on. I loved it, I just felt the strength of the ocean, and didn't stray far out, Just kept safe and still got knocked over. Screaming and laughing, bumping bodies everywhere, out of control. I love the contrasts between different beaches. It was so sublime, and I took the bus home feeling replete.
This morning I got up at 5am to join Lisa at Flemington flower markets
and see the sun rise. It was lovely, and such a great thing to do. I am addicted to new stimuli that's for sure. Tired now. House full of the smell of tuberoses.

New Post

2010-01-18T01:22:00.000-08:00

Saw Lynette Wallworth's video works on the weekend. The crying women got me, I just can't see another person cry without joining in. Oh sadness, so familiar. And well contrasted with great joy. You touched the screen, and a woman would approach and place her hand where yours had been and she just looks out with tears welling in her eyes...reminds me of Bill Viola's work. Nice and dark in there so you could have a cry on your own.
Then PJ and I went to the Supacenter and bought appliances we have been holding off buying like forever. It was disgustingly exhilerating, a new vacuum, a new camera, a new blending thing...total consumerism. The guilt I feel spending money when the Haitians are starving and in hell...only tempered by a donation to Medicins sans Frontiers.
Sunday was PJ's birthday so we had some fun going to Josie's bbq then dashed home for a little party with the seven layer torte and a few people came around. It felt a bit special and afterwards I took him to our favourite sushi restaurant where we ate like a King and Queen, and had to take our leftovers home for later. Finally felt like I was ingesting the real thing, but no shiso...I have no idea why they can't grow that stuff here. Agedashi tofu love
Came home and Oska was at the door, so we got pussy love and watched the 1954 original Godzilla film, which neither of us had ever seen.
Today the weather was magnificent. I rode my bike to M'ville Metro and busted the brake cable on the way there, I need a new bike! JFC, every day things break and need fixing/replacing, it is endless. But the big news is I got my L plates, so watch out you lot on the road, Goffers is coming! I was so thrilled.
Then Carla came around and took me to Coogee where the water was warm, and we swam while it was still light. Fantastic water. It is hard for me to get my work done when the weather is so good.

Car is fixed

2010-01-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning, and the weather is looking like a top beach day. Have baking to attend to (cake, not me). Dead rat smell has abated, thank goodness. Have a long list of things to attend to, but writing seems like the best way to formulate plans.
Had a great day yesterday with lots of action and achievement, sometimes it is good to bite off too much to chew. Running around and seeing people, making phone calls and getting lots done. I think it is from drinking green tea all day, just bag tea, but it gives you a green hit that powers you from the inside, and I went to the doctor to get the results from my blood tests and she said they have never been better and I can begin reducing my medication. I am no longer at risk of diabetes. My advice to those in danger: 'Go East'.
Last night's opening at ICAN was super fun, partly due to Carla's brilliant Sangria drinks, and partly because the love was there. Good work, interesting people and lots of fun. Dinner afterwards was a long drawn out affair, and surprisingly relaxed.
The car is running perfectly, and I have high hopes for this to continue. Will it get us over the mountains? We will see.

Went to the mall

2010-01-14T11:53:00.000-08:00

Didn't know which side of the street to walk on. Disconcerted a number of other pedestrians as I was obviously not on the correct side. Couldn't believe how spacious and empty the shops were, nor how little merchandise there was to choose from. Enjoyed being able to ask where something was, I know how some things work and could multi-task! It was so little effort compared to how I used to feel about it. In fact Sydney is a breeze these days, getting somewhere is so much easier than I remember it. I just walk there, sometimes in the middle of the road, as there is so little traffic.
Where is everybody? It is still school holidays so I must have a different perception, but before I went to Japan, I thought Sydney was at maximum capacity. Ha! Now I know better. Although when I was walking up the travelators I bumped a couple of people and didn't say sorry. I had to ask Lisa whether I should or not, she reminded me that I should, Australians like their personal space, and you need to acknowledge them. Point taken! Thats what pissed me off the most in Japan.
There are alot of Asian students down at Broadway and all of a sudden my interest has piqued. I never paid much attention, after all they are just people, doing their shopping but now I notice and listen as to where they might be from, and if they are Japanese, my ears prick up and I listen hard. I miss hearing the voices, and lovely words. I have even followed some.
In the sushi bar I was in the other day, I loitered near the counter trying to catch the discussions in the kitchen. I am too shy to say 'oh yes, I was just in Tokyo for 3 minutes..' so I keep mute. But I was disappointed that when I walked in they didn't greet me as they used to, in Japanese, nor do they say goodbye anymore in Japanese. Why not? What happened?
It is early and the birds are singing beautifully. I can't believe how quickly the week has gone by, and am looking forward to making PJ's birthday cake on the weekend. And getting a new camera, I am hanging out to take photos again. Its funny, before I left I only used it occasionally, but now I have got the bug, and whenever I am out, I want to record the every day.

As the weird world rolls on

2010-01-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

Quote from;
Paul Auster novel "Man in the Dark". Another haunting beauty, full of pain, war, death and lamentation. The segment on objects in films was profound and spoke clearly to me. Synchronicity in reading this, following Ian McEwan's "Saturday" and Auster's novel; "Oracle Night", both read in Tokyo. A trilogy of books that make my journey in reading even more intense and timely.
Now I mourn, the concepts in those three books are to be mulled over and I might have to buy some Viz comics or something, to reverse the sorrowful feelings.
Life is precious. Everything matters. We must embrace what we have, as it is so temporary and fleeting.

The rats are dead

2010-01-12T11:51:00.000-08:00

Under the house, and I can smell their corpses rotting. Not nice. I don't know how many there are but the lounge room is putrid and we are sitting in the garden being devoured by mosquitoes.
But on to more pleasant things;
Yesterday I went to Clovelly Beach with Jane P. For the first time I wore a mask and got to see the revelations below the water. Allow me say it was miraculous and enthralling. I am hooked. I have swum there hundreds of times and always seen the snorkelers happily chasing ghosts, but this time I was part of the underwater gazing crowd.
I can see pretty well underwater, without goggles, but not details, just colour and movement. To see the landscape I had swum so often and the fish that live down there was incredible. I'd had no idea about the amazing rocks that form at the mouth of the bay. The beautiful undersea mosses and sea urchin, the textures and grasses, the weeds and shells, let alone the plethora of fish, it was like discovering a new world. I was braver than I have ever been, as I could see my way and went out deeper than ever, although the water got very cold at the mouth.
I sat on some warm rocks and fiddled with the the shells clinging on. I like to pull them and make them stiffen! It is good for their muscles. I can't believe how strong they are, I can't get a single one off. It was 6:30 in the evening and the sun was out and semi-naked people were relaxing all around me and I thought, this is Sydney, this is what it is about.
I got alot of work done before going out, and when I got home I could see the efforts of the day piled up, and felt replete.
One more action with the peach tree, and I heard the branch crack. Shit, it's had it. I've broken the poor branch. Slow and steady? Ha! Goffman weight desperately ripping apart a defenceless tree. I live and learn.
The back yard jungle is so beautiful, and I must find another branch I can work with over the next few months. It was a pleasure to do, and helped me feel connected to Japan, with this minimal act. I loved hearing the cicadas, the birds, the wind, the frogs and the ephemeral sounds that ensue from neighbour's homes. I loved the concentrated effort of doing one thing, wholly and completely. But I was too much for the tree.

Hedonism

2010-01-11T12:53:00.000-08:00

So, three different beaches in three days. This is the life I like. On Sunday it was so hot, so we went to Nielsen Park in the late afternoon. There were so many people there, it was like a Sydney Festival event. But out in the deep water there were only a couple. I swam very close to the shark net, admiring the appearance of the waves rolling in from the Manly ferry. Beautiful, mesmerising water. Felt reborn once again.
We brought sandwiches and tea and had a lovely picnic, watching the families pack up and all that flesh depart. I can't believe how big women's boobs are here! It is stunning. Watching the people queue to wash their sandy feet at the one tap, it is very important to get all the sand off! Watching the children take turns chasing the birds, and their parents frustratedly tugging at them to get them home.
I wish I had known about the sea lice though, I got nibbled on something terrible and am itching like crazy!
Monday was my first day on my own, as PJ went back to work. I really tried to keep myself motivated and not fall into any of my old patterns, and think I did quite well. I have a list as long as the house of things to do, so I seized time and made my way. Frustrations and small successes, it wasn't too bad. Finished one work. The internet stopped working, as did the telephone so I went out and did some stuff, and thankfully when I got home they were working again. Lifeline!
The most surprising aspect of the day was hearing a little bell tinkle at the front door, and opening it, I found a very sweet, very beautiful and friendly cat called Oska, who came in and wanted cuddles and play. He stayed with me for an hour, delightfully. Later that evening when I was cooking dinner, what do you know? He returned and stayed till midnight. PJ and I were very happy.
Carla, Mila, Sugar and I went to Sydney Park to explore the new playground at dusk. We found it absolutely great. Swings I could fit on, slides and great rubberised hillocks to run up and down. All very adult (and child) friendly. Fun.
I love not having to put on extra clothing when I go out, I so appreciate the lightness of being, and the simplicity. The sun is out late, and all the solar energy nutrifies me and my heart. There are hardly any people around, which gives me the freedom to flap my arms and sing if I am so inclined.
In Japan, it felt so inhibited to me, if you sneezed, a dozen people would turn around. Here you can make a fool of yourself in public and nary a soul will notice.
Unfortunately, these same liberties are enjoyed by all, and when I was up the road I saw some awful things, me and my good eyesight, they are too disgusting to write about, but thats what you get in a society that has no rules.

PACIFIC OCEAN

2010-01-09T14:05:00.000-08:00

Now there are 2 larikeets dead on the power lines outside
Pacific gave great green glass walls of water yesterday, cold and fabulous. Big waves, lots of rip, no worries for me. I relish the underwater, and can see for miles. When I come up for air occasionally I frolick in the foam, it is total fantasy.
Sit by the edge of the water listening to the children scream in delight and remember being a child and the excitement. I see those kiddies and think they are hooked, they have found a favourite thing that is greater than anything else.
I love being a bit further out than anyone else, and being between 2 big waves and for a few instants you can imagine you are in really deep ocean, way away from land, but then I get scared and duck down to the sandy bottom again.
We bought a car on Friday, drove the shit out of it on Saturday and now it is fucked. Ripped off! Parramatta Road car salesmen are the devil. Have to check the contracts, urgh! We are such suckers. Camera died as well.
Went to the RSPCA shelter to find a doggy, and there weren't many, so we just looked at one, but the guy said we weren't suited. I was sad. Oh well, we began. Saw many great cats though. First things first.
It is massively hot this weekend, I had forgotten what it was like. I feel like a walking zombie unless I am wet. Watercoloring today and the Necks tonight, live!

Paper covered

2010-01-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

Selected Poem by e.e.cummings

but if a living dance upon dead minds
why,it is love;but at the earliest spear
of sun perfectly should disappear
moon's utmost magic,or stones speak or one
name control more incredible splendor than
our merely universe,love's also there
and being imprisoned,tortured here
love everywhere exploding maims and blinds
(but surely does not forget,perish,sleep
cannot be photographed,measured;disdains
the trivial labelling of punctual brains...
__Who wields a poem huger than the grave?
from only Whom shall time no refuge keep
though all the weird worlds must be opened?
)Love
1923-1958

Why are

2010-01-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

openings so absurd? Because you see people you want to talk to and trying to get to them is laden with difficulties...other people you don't necessarily want to talk to. And if you are speaking to someone, you may see someone come in who you like and you may give them a little wave of acknowledgement, but that interrupts the person that you are with, and if you don't say hi to this new person they may think you are rude, and then thats not very nice is it.
Openings are thwart by problems, and last night I went to one and got my ears battered, and kissed far too many people, and came away feeling shell-shocked and wasted, after only one hour. So dis-satisfying and hectic, so empty and frustrated, I just missed Yanaka so much and wished to be in minimal land.
PJ said it well, it is all the stopping and starting, the interruptions, which do not facilitate dialogue, it seems so empty and insignificant. I like all those people, and just wish for the chance to be one on one with them, but the hurly burly means you talk to one person and then turn and start with another without honouring that initial person, it is ridiculous.
Let alone not see the art.
I think next time I go, I should just wear a red costume, and dash in, congratulate the artists, then get the hell out!

This life

2010-01-06T03:10:00.000-08:00

Crap $50 lunch from local Sushi Train, oh god what am I going to do?
PJ and I cycled to the wetlands in Sydney Park and spotted many different types of birds. The most exciting were a group of spoonbills, such big and busy birds, so cool! The sun was hot and the breeze cool, it was such a nice day.
In the morning I lay under the peach tree reading my book and feeling peace with the world.
In the evening I tackled the peach tree again, much harder work for some reason, but I can feel the branch beginning to give.

Water

2010-01-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

It is a great thing to swim. I penetrated the waters at La Perouse yesterday, diving into green liquid glass, rolling waves, quite cold but oh so good. The view from underneath, incredible. Golden sandy bottom moving into an aquamarine blue and then tones of green I can't describe. The occasional Coral outpost is dark with seaweeds and looms ahead like a big haven for the fishes. I swim and swim and swim, I feel like I could swim across the bay but am too afraid of deep water.
Glorious beauty, I wish I could breathe underwater without apparatus, I want to stay down there for a long long time in that virtually soundless landscape. It is my medium and I am so joyous in there. So light, so free, and happier there than anywhere on the planet, as yet.
Mila and my foot
Fully multicultural groups, Lebanese, Chinese, Islander, whiteys, Greeks, Italians, Japanese, people from all over the world converging on the edge of the ocean. I can't get over their stereotypical voices...it cracks me up. All of us unified by our love for this place, the sand, the sun, the water.

Big walk today

2010-01-04T01:14:00.000-08:00

My friend Janice and I began the first leg of the Great Northern Walk today, Woolwich to Newcastle, 250 kilometers. We managed 19 km, mostly through National Park. It was very beautiful, very few people, lots of lizards, and winding up and around rivers and escarpments. We found some sacred sites, and traversed varying landscapes. A great day, not too hot. Feel good now, and we decided to do the walk gradually over the year.

Frogs, spiders, lizards, cockroaches, ants, flies, mosquitoes, fruit flies, beetles, moths, bats, mice and rats:

2010-01-02T04:39:00.000-08:00

The wildlife.
Making my way to the bathroom last night I encountered all of these, bar the last two, and nearly stepped on the frog. It is one from the tadpoles I raised! Coming home for some loving, or some yummy egg yolk and boiled lettuce.
Life sure is funny. Here are a few photos.

Such heat this morning

2010-01-01T13:54:00.000-08:00

I went up the road to the post office, and couldn't believe how hot it was, sweltering! Soaked in sweat I came home and jumped in the shower, then relaxed near a fan with some tea and cold noodles. So good. The cicadas were singing, then the currawongs started warbling and the rain began. The cool breeze carried wet fragrance through the house and then the delicious quake of thunder sounded across the sky. I just lay cooly with tired arms soaking in the wonderful transitions. Very beautiful and special, every moment.
Is the blue moon responsible, or is it me that just feels so great? I feel haunted by great happiness and joy. "Mellifluous", Aleister Steward's favourite word.
Now the storm has passed, and other birds are singing in the trees.
I think it is time to work.

New Year=New Day

2010-01-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

Peach tree branch 1
I think so. New plans, new resolutions, re-invent myself each day and try really hard to live well as I can.
We went up the hill in Sydney Park and watched the spectacular fireworks launched from seven sites, the sound came afterwards, war sounds. I had some vodka and beers, with Lisa and PJ. The best part was at the end when thousands of people got up and deserted the park. The mass exodus was great to watch. The smoke came over us and the light was all diffused, and some kids with loads of glow necklaces were running around, encased in plastic raincoats that illuminated the glow sticks even further. Delightful.
Very low key the next day, until Elvis text-ed and said to come up to her place at Curl-Curl. So I jumped on a ferry and went over there. Spent the day swimming in the pool and laughing with Henry. There were chickens in the backyard and I could hear them crowing, and got Henry to check if they had lain any eggs. They had, so I got one which was still astoundingly warm to touch. I boiled it and ate it immediately in the pool, with gratitude.
Elvis drove me home and my favourite song came on the radio, "I wish I knew Natalie Portman" by K-os...just as we were driving through Mosmania. I was so happy and excited, I felt no sorrow, just good, I am here and now, and that is great. Of course there is sadness, but it is now in perspective.
Got home and made dinner, PJ had been to the markets yesterday and bought prawns and salmon. Fried the salmon quickly and served it on a salad, it was delicious. Then I got changed and began my first peach tree conversation.
I planted this tree in 1994, so it is quite big now.
Tree in spring blossom
When I got back from Tokyo I was in the backyard one evening, listening to music and wafting around, processing the giant memories and feelings. I noticed a branch of my peach tree growing closely to another branch, and desired for it to be growing into the open space in the other direction. It is not a giant branch, but it is strong, and my thought was to attempt to pull it, and train it to grow in that direction.
I simply pull it, using my weight to train it to grow the other way.
Last night I began, while Elvis filmed it, and the mosquitoes loved biting me, but it was beautiful. The wind in the trees, the cicadas singing, the gentleness of the evening magnified, and my arms, up-stretched and grasping the defenceless tree. It felt like the right thing to do after everything I have seen and done. I am going to try and do it each evening, for as long as it takes, or the branch breaks. But I felt it give a little last night, and although my arms feel very strange, I am going to try and last longer each evening.
In great gratitude and honour of all.

I saw

2009-12-31T23:42:00.000-08:00

a parking ranger not give a ticket to an illegally parked car today, 'cos the owner came out of the cafe screaming blue murder, and couldn't walk easily. I was out the front and everyone stopped and watched, while he re-neged based on her rage. It was a great coup as he negated the ticket and walked off. No-one had ever seen such a thing. Unfortunately 2 of the people I was with both got parking fines.
I'm talking to every person I come across, I am meeting strangers every day and they are all special. I even interrupted strangers to talk to them! I can't believe we all speak the same language, and how nice most people are...friendly and open...it warms my heart. At the beach the other day, there were pleasant smiles and exchanges and I understood everything! It is great to communicate easily, and have a laugh. I used to take this so for granted but now I treasure it.
The funny thing is other years when I have returned from overseas, I have had the same feeling, but it wasn't so consistent, I was much more inhibited. It would only last a day or two, and then get wiped by circumstances. I have been home for two weeks now, and it is still a thrill. I want it to go on.

The cicadas in the trees make such beautiful music, and this year our frogs in the garden have multiplied, so it sounds like a rhythmic session of wooden boxes all aclutter at night, especially when it rains. There is a dead lorikeet on the power lines outside the house though, I ,must get it down, it was electrocuted the other night, and breaks my heart each time I see it.
This time of year is so divine in Sydney, so many people on holidays, so much laughter and ease in the air.
I feel happy, as I know so much beauty and my world has expanded to Japan. I look at the maps and see where we are all situated, and the trough around Japan, it is fascinating. And I found fresh tofu. The Koreans, bless them, they have it!
It is New Year's Eve today, I intend to live as well as I can, and celebrate tonight on top of the hill at Sydney Park with friends and neighbours. I am not going to drink too much, I need to channel peace, and good and prepare myself for the amazing year ahead. I think I am going to begin my garden action on the 1st January, so if anyone wants to drop around after 8pm on Friday evening, you will find me out the back, in situ.
Love. 愛

"Travelling alone...

2009-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

...is confronting and stressful. No-one else to take your thoughts off the sagas, no other input or distractions, just you on your own with your evil thoughts, needs, wants, desires, your past, your present, your lack of others for confirmation and approval, what awaits you, your unrequited loves. My huge love for bamboo and hate for the sound of plastic bags rattling around me, and then my absolutely pathetic self absorption and worst of all self-pity."

I wrote that on a bad day whilst travelling around Japan, and just found it in a notebook and it made me laugh.

The other day I was waiting at Town Hall and heard some beautiful singing. In the rear of the foyer, I saw hands upstretched and a Chinese song was being sung by a beautiful woman all dressed in white. She was on her own, praising the world and giving the world her wondrous clear voice. I praised her and she took my hands and blessed me.

Aussie dance

2009-12-29T13:47:00.000-08:00

I was asked if any comparative dance (as in Yanaka), happened in Australia, and I had to answer no unfortunately. But yesterday on the beach I was watching the movement along the beach, and the ritualistic devotion that many indulge in, and I guess that it is a form of dance. It is public, it involves the body and the mind, it generates wonderful feelings, it is done as often as possible, weather permitting, it is a sanctuary, and it is very very good.
Standing up and lying down
I so get into sand. I remember as a child it being my favourite play thing, a building tool, a drawing board, it reacts to your touch, is hot on top, and when you dig it gets cooler and wet, and sometimes you find a treasure.
I have seen microscopic photos of sand, and the miniature shells and quartz that make it's substance, enthralling.
Yesterday I just dug myself into it, I couldn't stop enjoying the sensation of it against my skin, I lay covered, like a moron, groaning with pleasure. And then when it gets too much, back in the liquid green glass to cleanse.

It is fucking great.

Blessings from the deep sea

2009-12-28T14:42:00.001-08:00

The size of humans

2009-12-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

Back in gargantuan land, I really notice it every day. Men towering over me, by more than a few inches, gigantic people taking up half the pavement, not being able to see over the shoulders of almost everybody...this is the world that I'm supposedly accustomed to, yet it seems all strange and different. The pumped up muscle men, jeez, I saw about 50 tattooed muscley arms in the first few days, and whats more, they all had the same exact tattoos! In this world of zillions of pictures, how can so many people choose the same?
Giant hairy legs, and pregnant looking males. Of course many actually pregnant women, but compared to Japan, their stomachs look twice if not three times the size.

And the light hair colour! And the hairy faces and arms and chests...it all seems much more obscene, or indecent, in comparison. Flesh! Abundance of flesh everywhere, and wrinkles that show ageing, withered skin, so different. I am not talking about ugliness, it is just a different kind of beauty, the 'lived in' face. The wealth of emotions that carve the lines.
Oh well, at least I am going to find clothes to fit me again. And shoes.
But after only 3 months, it amazes me how my perspective can be changed. I suppose when I go bush even for a few days, that shifts my entire city-outlook.

Walking

2009-12-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

Walked to Xmas lunch the other day, traversing suburbs without passing a soul. No-one at all in my way! The city feels deserted, an occasional car, no foot traffic, it astounds me. I could just walk and walk, I have such energy in me I even ran part of the way the other day. Yesterday we went down to Glebe Park, and there were maybe a dozen people around. Granted it was raining, the smell of eucalyptus and all the undergrowth was singing. The mullet were jumping, throwing their silvery bodies into the air, why? Tempting the fishermen? Funny fish.
Walked around the tranquil bay, noticing the gentle peace that emanates from the land meeting the water. Noticing the changes that have occurred down there in the last decade, all those new flats squatting there so un-naturally. Lucky bastards. I love the Anzac Bridge now, since I walked across it, and caught sight of the most sensational public art work in Australia. It is well worth experiencing.
The busiest place in Sydney on Boxing Day would have to be the fish markets, where the eating and swallowing was going on full force. I could negotiate the crowd with my eyes closed after the throngs in Tokyo. Smelling the dull odours of old fat frying and just the sight of those mounds of calamari made me feel queasy. We went to yumcha upstairs and had a nice breakfast overlooking the water. Lovely dumplings hand made and steamed so sweetly in their baskets. I missed that in Japan. But I noticed the difference between Chinese and Japanese people, so much brisker, and less polite. Of course I haven't been to China yet, and look forward to a stint there, to draw yet more comparisons.
The gentle lapping water entered my dreams and was like a lullaby to me. My plan is to take sheets to the beach and build a hollow in the warm sand where I can nestle and sleep in the sun, next to the water.

This is where I want to go in October

2009-12-23T23:57:00.000-08:00

Poster on train for Lake Mungo, it has to be experienced.

A week since I left

2009-12-23T13:35:00.000-08:00

And I'm dreaming vivid dreams at night of the place and the people. Last night I dreamt of passing thousands of shoppers, I guess I miss the surge of crowds, or the vision of them. I dreamt of the food, and have dreams of Japanese conversations, where the melodious voices natter away and I still understand nothing.
It is nearly as strong a shock returning to Sydney as it was arriving in Tokyo. The warm weather, the light, the sky, the trees...everything looks foreign and incredible! Arriving in Cairns last week I was crestfallen. I just sat in the gutter under a palm tree and cried. The crass voices! The huge, badly dressed people! But friendly and I understood the codes. I just couldn't believe it was over.
Now after a week, I am still acclimatising. I draw comparisons as much as ever and felt like continuing blogging as it is just as vital to observe the process as it develops.
Spent the first few days tracking down food and drink here. Went to the Japanese food store at Town Hall and got many of my favourite staples. Found shochu online, a restaurant in Willoughby sells it, and yesterday I had my first delivery. Sake.net. Three times the price of Japan, and they didn't have the one I loved, but whatever. Had a drink last night of the fire liquid and it went straight to pleasure spot.
By far the most wonderful thing is seeing PJ again. He is so much more handsome and sweet than I remembered. Love again! We have been re-connecting on many levels and yesterday embarked on some much needed kitchen re-haul. He is on holidays for a few weeks so thats fabulous.
The second most fantastic thing is seeing mates again, all the beauties I love so much, and have such a history with.
And the third best thing is the ocean and the trees. PJ and I have been going for walks at dusk and I am worshipping gum trees again. Absolute beauty. The smells in the air of the myriad blossoms and natural oils is exquisite. Carla took me to La Perouse beach on Saturday, and I screamed with joy. The day before yesterday Elvis took me to Maroubra and it was a religious experience. The water was not too cold, there were waves, but they were gentle and the water was spotlessly green, no weeds, no stingers, just liquid glass, and I couldn't stop diving and bobbing and luxuriating. It was heaven, I felt cradled in Mother's arms, so safe and knowledgeable about body positioning in that medium. Wow. It might have been my most perfect swim ever.
But I can't believe Aussie accents, and understanding the language again! I hear my voice and I think it has changed, after these months of straining to be understood, my voice was tired and a higher pitch than usual.
I can't believe how rough and crude it is here. Went into a pub and the wall of noise, the roar of a few dozen giant men bellowing their booming voices, the stink of beer, the echo off the tiles, it was an assault to my ears and senses. So different form the subdued jazz bars and gentle spaces where you booze in Japan. Hm.
We've been riding trains quite successfully as well, not waiting too long, but I really notice how antiquated the system seems, how noisy and filthy...should I bring a cloth and some product and just start cleaning? I don't mind doing a bit.
But the friendliness of strangers and passer-byes is so welcome. Just striking up conversation with practically anyone you encounter is a joy I have missed badly.
Last night Pj and I went out to Lakemba for some Lebanese food. I think it was the first time I felt the strength of this place hit me hard. To be immersed in this variety of cultures, Indian, Muslim, African, Middle Eastern...super. Walking up Haldon Street in search of vittles was sublime, the smells, the heat, the lazy way people walk here, it is so different. And then the meal of fresh bread, pickles and mint, hummous, felafel, chicken and lamb...oh my! My oh my. I have missed tabouleh! So I feel returned now, and am anticipating many more wonders.
A nice beetle

Ichigo ichie

2009-12-17T02:28:00.000-08:00

Leaving was hard, but my last day was golden. I cleaned the house and did the best yoga session I have ever done, arriving at new developments exquisitely. Two hours of action and I was so relaxed. Went to Nippori and met Izumi and Morisan to go to a sushi bar where you can drink as much as you like for Y500. And that we did, so from 2pm till 5, we ate and drank shochu with tea. Yum. Wonderful company, great food, and not enough time. Lina came and met us, and then Morisan and her took me to the airport, where we hit one last bar. It was so good to have them with me, and when I went through security, I nearly turned back. I wanted to, with every fibre in my being, but I am sensible and went forward and faced what I have to face.
Time is now, in the moment, enjoy the moment, be in the moment. Every moment matters, and existence is a sequence.
I am back in Oz, after flying over the stars and seeing the sun rise from the airplane. Fanatic fan of airplane window.
Cairns airport;

Absolutely great to see PJ, and when I got home I was like, 'this isn't too bad'.
So that time is over, but while it is still fresh in my mind I want to savour it, and love it, and relish it.
I am so grateful for what they all taught and shared with me. I am so so so happy I met wonderful people who I could connect with on so many levels and who I love, and who I want to work with in the future. We have plans!
I slept on my soba pillow last night, like a baby, the crunching of the Japanese chaff like wind in the trees, and love in my heart. Thank you Mihune, thank you every one. I feel forever changed.
Enjoy the moments...

Profound

2009-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

Ian McEwan
Saturday

Following Rosalind’s mother’s death…

“Happiness seemed like a betrayal of principle, but happiness was unavoidable.”

Stations in life;

“How restful it must once have been, in another age, to be prosperous and believe that an all-knowing supernatural force had allotted people to their stations in life. And not see how the belief served your own prosperity – a form of anosognosia, a useful psychiatric term for a lack of awareness of one’s own condition. Now we think we do see, how do things stand? After the ruinous experiments of the lately deceased century, after so much vile behaviour, so many deaths, a queasy agnosticism has settled around these matters of justice and redistributed wealth. No more big ideas. The world must improve, if at all, by tiny steps. People must take an existential view – having to sweep streets for a living looks like simple bad luck. It’s not a visionary age. The streets need to be clean. Let the unlucky enlist.”

Not much to say

2009-12-15T09:01:00.000-08:00

A bit overwhelmed. Last night in Tokyo. Last performance with Yanaka group for the year.
Went to Izumi's dress rehearsal for a performance she is doing on Saturday, terribly good, and very moving. Made me cry twice. Great new gallery, run by Keiko Kamma. Keiko was on keyboards, and the experience was superb. Great artist as well, could really relate to what I saw.
Dinner afterwards at the wonderful Bandai restaurant, the place we first went to Hori who performed with us as well came and later, Gotto, a bhutto dancer came. So many shochu drinks, I don't know. Pretty legless on the way home. Watched the video I filmed and it's better than I thought it would be.
All I know is I was trying to be in the moment, but tense, and once again shy at intervening. Morisan had asked everyone to bring objects with them, one from far away and one close by for me to place in the space. Great idea, and needed many hours to develop. I would've liked the performance to continue.
Hm.
Said goodbye to Hiharu and that was very sad.
Getting on plane tomorrow, but am meeting the others for sushi and sake beforehand. See you in Oz folks. Beach and bush time.
Love xxx

Hanging man

2009-12-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

Well I finally made it to Kunitachi to see this famous action. We sat in Takusan's small yard on wooden benches, after picking up a cut piece of styrofoam to provide comfort, and a wee bit of warmth. Very cold tonight. He was inside his wooden house, I could see shadows of him through the glass, and hear beautiful Japanese music playing. He came out dressed in red trousers, a red polo neck shirt with a white blouse over the top, and began his gentle silent movements through the garden area. This consisted of a few straggly trees, one tall thin bamboo, and a shrub that had gone brown and dried. The fences were lined with blue tarps, old ones, very frayed and some parts spray-painted with silver.
His presence was so sincere and delicate, minimal but exploratory. I felt the wind and watched him react. Action, reaction, honouring and moving slowly and carefully, knowing each centimeter of the ground he was covering. He seemed to pay special heed to the dried shrub, taking it's energy and giving it back. Near this was a square hole, dug into the earth. At it's edge stood an iron anvil, and over this was a beam, with hooks. There were lights positioned on the house to illuminate the space, and we could hear the outside world operating, sirens and occasional footsteps penetrating the silence. Otherwise it was completely quiet bar the wind in the trees.
Taksan explored the space, and then he climbed back into the house, tentatively I noticed...almost as though he was uncertain about it. He came back with a woven rope, red, with a hook on one end.
Let me say I was worried about seeing this seminal part, but also curious, as the Yanaka group had raved so much about him, and after meeting him, I was interested but still a bit scared. He hung the rope, then he hung by the neck for something like 5 minutes, maybe 10. Such trmendous strength and such power his profound agility communicating something from deep within, not limp and dead, but alive and beautiful, such unbelievable beauty, I was moved beyond. I felt shame at my discomfort as it was so cold, I felt his pain, but also his strength. Such an older man, so thin, with these worn red trousers, sewn tightly at the back in order to keep them from falling down, hanging by his neck, in a residential neighbourhood, every day for ten years. Rain, snow, sleet, whatever. He had been doing it for more than 40 years actually, and this is his concept to bring him to paradise. (Which I take to mean heaven).
His weakness after hanging was apparent, and he fortified himself with more movement, energy gradually returning...it was amazing. To sit in such a humble yard and to see something so profound, it was just greatness.
After his actions, we all went inside and sat around a heated table, with a big comforter over it, to warm our legs, and drank shochu with tea and ate lovely things made by his partner, Mika, who I have written about before, the greatest dancer in Japan. We discussed the work, and drank and ate and smoked, and then they sang for me! Old Japanese songs, with dear Izumi's voice ringing out like a clear bell of beauty. I saw the light come from her, and felt the love and just thought, this is it!!! This is the truth, this is life, this is paradise, and I can't stress that more.
"Correspondence", that's what Taksan said, in English, and I understood completely. This world I am privvy to is what I came to Japan for, I know it, and my fortune is finding it, and being in it. His intelligence seeps from him, because he knows.
He said strength was what life was about. I said I thought he was dancing to the tune of the wind, and he said he was. I asked if the neighbours knew what went on behind the fence, that there was such a great thing going on, each night, such a powerful thing, such a thing that was so private, yet public...they said shush, don't tell them!
What incredibleness I have experienced here, it is real, but it still feels like a dream. We came home on the train full of bliss and gratitude. I love it here. The contrasts and the fortitiude, the mad energy and the utter opposite. So much action, so much reaction, so much sealed up, mystery...I am so curious, I want to know more, delve into the dark reaches...terrific! Truly blown away. Great men, great women, greatness. As Ali G says, "much respect".

Golden Brown

2009-12-13T03:19:00.000-08:00

New Zealand horse in 400 year old 3 monkey temple
Astounding rock at waterfall
Four monkeys
Just got back from
a wondrous weekend in Nikko, a faraway place, with the Yanaka group. We stayed in an inn with natural springs, outdoor hot baths, in the snow, in an amazingly untouched mountain region. We saw 2 monkeys on the mountain
Four sisters
All I can say is, it was fantastic.

We went for soaks before dinner, after dinner, and in the morning, soaking and having a beautiful time. We ate food from heaven, I cannot describe, just super super super, and so much, and so super! We drank the best sake made in Japan, the gift from Mifune, and had such fun, all 'sleeping' together in one room, I haven't had a slumber party in I don't know how long, and sleep was not on the cards for me. I got to watch them all slumber, such beauties, and I saw the stars, and watched the trees dance in the night's wind, in the snow, and sit by the stove drinking beer and eating rice balls perfectly crafted by Izumi, talking to Lina, and I am happy.

In the morning we went for a walk in a beautiful swamp, in colours identical to JP's Hawkesbury hideaway swamps, on a raised wooden track and when we got to where we were going, dancing occurred in the silence of absolute beauty, I filmed and then we got back in the car and had lunch, and came back to Tokyo. Such a wonderful day, so tired now, so satisfied, so full of the entirety. A trip of wonder.
To return to the immensity of Tokyo, I am refreshed, and even got an older woman to smile at me on the train.
Life is simply experience. You have to live it. And love it.

Dialogue

2009-12-11T03:20:00.000-08:00

Spent the afternoon at Rebecca Horn's awesome show at the MCA, Tokyo, an enormous and beautiful gallery space. Incredible work, so profound, so much I had only seen in books, but to see in real life was sensational. I went with Izumi and Hiharu, and we had a ball. It's the first museum visit I have made with friends in all this time, and I so miss having someone to discuss works with. I had no concept of the magnitude of her work, especially the older pieces, screened in giant halls, fascinating. Deep, and troubling and so good. I learnt alot today, and feel humble, but understand so much other work through this.
Terribly rainy, so we rain-checked our outdoor performance, and went for delicious ramen. I was so hungry and cold, and these noodles were so fortifying and good. Home now for an early night, pack for the weekend away. My last weekend, and thankfully not alone. I really miss company. Its great to see my new friends but to go home to an empty house feels like a let-down. I still have so much to share, so much I want to talk about... so the computer and my Ipod get a good pounding.
It is too wet to go back out and connect, I am going to bed with Kafka.

Too excited

2009-12-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

The city energy? My energy? Crazy! I woke up at 3am, really thinking it might be 6am, but it wasn't. Have resorted to hot milk, to try and calm down! Yuck. The art of self-soothing...in Sydney I know how to do that, but here, I am a restless baby.
The strangest thing is I don't feel tired. Those 3 hours felt sufficient. Dreamt of complicated mountain paths and a temple which was under guard. It closed in the evening, and I kept sneaking back and hiding from the guards so I could look at the beautiful pond some more. In the vending machines here, there are these plastic bubbles with toys and stuff in them, in the dream pond, people had been casting these into the water, and the water was filled with them. What was beautiful was that when you threw the bubble into the water it lit up for a short time, so you could see underwater, and it was criminally beautiful. I wanted to do this over and over, and was ducking behind rocks to try and do it again. The valleys around me were filled with ghosts, and I was being taught what it all meant. A culmination of my experiences here? It makes sense to me. I am witness to the leaves going from green to rust, and now they are falling, the paths in this park seen from the building I work in have previously been hidden and now they reveal themselves to me.
What I love about here, is I am not plagued by the ghosts of Sydney. All those things seem very far away, as they are. But I am still haunted by other things. Maybe it is just being alive causes these thoughts, and as I get older, I become more aware...
I am thinking that yes this is a mammoth city, but whats funny is how many times I have seen the same gaijin people. Quite a few times! It is probably that we are all on the same tourist paths, but I recognise a number of faces now! Funny. We kind of nod, but it is still awkward (at least for me!) I wonder why I am embarrassed to see them. Is it that their round eyes generally signify our heritage and I acknowledge that but do not want to say 'hey buddy, we're from the West, huh?!', I don't know...when it's a woman on her own we usually exchange a small smile and nod, but if it's a couple of people, no way! They don't exist, but they do! I remember living in New York and having this issue, and even in Australia. In cites, how much do you acknowledge your fellow folk? In the country it is easy, you hold up your hand if you drive past someone, and mostly say g'day to passer-byes. I like that. We are all here, I can see them, and they can see me, whats wrong with acknowledging that?
So, so, so.
At New Year's here, you have the chance of expelling 108 different bad things from yourself. Cleanse and purify, it seems through sake, temples and eating pure Japanese food for 4 days I think. I would like to try this.
I am dreading the thought of leaving all these restaurants and bars behind. My ass wants to sit in each and every one, sampling their delights. Hm.